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    Jokes 6 (only English, please)


    Jokes 6 (only English, please)


    Wir kommen von hier: Siehe auch: Jokes 5 (only English, please) - #300

    Bitte nur Witze auf Englisch. Much obliged.

    An old one.

    I want to die like my grandfather. Peacefully in his sleep. And not screaming in terror like his passengers.


    There was a young man from Cork

    who got limericks

    and haikus confused.

    Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  12 Nov. 20, 17:55

    I know a few jokes about Mozzarella - but they are tasteless.

    Bübischen Fadendank!

    #1Verfasser mbshu (874725) 12 Nov. 20, 17:58

    I had lunch yesterday, but then thought I had contracted Corona. I couldn't taste anything anymore. Then I found out I was eating tofu.

    #2Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Nov. 20, 17:59

    Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

    #3Verfasser Carullus (670120) 12 Nov. 20, 17:59

    Addition to No. 0:

    ... and came to no point with Alexandrines.

    #4Verfasser mbshu (874725) 12 Nov. 20, 18:01

    In addition to dark matter and anti matter scientists have discovered "doesn't matter", which does not have any effect whatsoever.

    #5Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Nov. 20, 07:53

    Did you hear about the new holiday dogs celebrate currently every day?

    It's Coronoa Day: every day humans go out wearing muzzles.

    #6Verfasser AGB (236120) 13 Nov. 20, 08:00

    A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

    It's a Shih-Tzu.

    #7VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 13 Nov. 20, 08:51

    People say that there’s no way to turn back the hands of time.

    Try this: Pull out the winding button and twist it.

    #8Verfasser RenaRd (907225) 13 Nov. 20, 10:31

    How do you seduce a farm girl?

    Dance naked around a harvester. Because you need to do something sexy to a tractor.

    #9Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 16 Nov. 20, 16:29

    #0: That reminds me of John Cooper Clarke's haiku:

    “To convey one’s mood

    in seventeen syllables

    is very diffic.”

    #10Verfasser imaginary woman (398289)  18 Nov. 20, 00:53

    I stayed up all night long to see where the sun went.

    The it dawned on me.

    #11Verfasser Dr. Dark (658186) 18 Nov. 20, 18:49

    A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $ 2.

    A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $ 2.40.

    A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $ 2.15.

    These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

    (Danke, rufus ;-))

    #12VerfasserGaleazzo (259943)  19 Nov. 20, 13:43

    Aus der "notgeil"-Anfrage geklaut:

    There was a zoo vet from Calais,

    Set sail for China one day.

    He was tied to the tiller,

    By a sex-mad gorilla,

    And China's a bloody long way.

    Ich lach mich schlapp.

    #13Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Nov. 20, 10:58

    was quoted in a film with Eddie Murphy "Trading Places" dt. Die Glücksritter


    #14Verfasser drkimble (463961) 20 Nov. 20, 11:15

    Again what learned!

    #15Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Nov. 20, 11:20
    A man goes to his shrink and says, "Doc, last night I dreamt I was a tepee and the night before a wigwam. What does it mean?" The doc answers, "Relax. You're just too tense."
    #16Verfasser patman2 (527865) 20 Nov. 20, 23:33
    *obligatory groan* (-;

    If you’re American when you go in the bathroom,
    and American when you come out,
    what are you in the bathroom?

    What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

    I sold my vacuum the other day.
    All it was doing was collecting dust.

    Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
    One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?”
    The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

    I like elephants.
    Everything else is irrelephant.

    Two guys walk into a bar.
    The third guy ducks.

    What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    Get it?

    What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
    Make me one with everything.

    What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
    I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

    (selected from
    https://www.rd.com/list/bad-jokes-cant-help-l... )

    #17Verfasser hm -- us (236141) 21 Nov. 20, 05:27

    Und noch einer aus der Quelle von hm-us:

    What did the buffalo say when his son left?


    #18Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 21 Nov. 20, 08:15

    This afternoon I give away all my dead batteries. No charge.

    #19Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 24 Nov. 20, 15:39

    Without immigrants Trump would have no wives.

    #20Verfasser Masu (613197)  24 Nov. 20, 21:55

    Ohne Immigranten wäre Trump Pfälzer.

    (Aber wieso stehen der vorige Beitrag - und somit auch dieser - im Witzefaden?)

    #21Verfasser mbshu (874725)  24 Nov. 20, 23:01

    Weil die angesprochene Person ein solcher ist?

    oops..Because the person addressed is one?

    #22Verfasser drkimble (463961) 25 Nov. 20, 08:53

    Letter from the tax man: "Your tax declaration is outstanding!"

    Me: "Why, thank you; I don't remember submitting one ..."

    #23Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 25 Nov. 20, 16:03

    There was a young girl from Darjeeling

    Who could dance with such exquisite feeling

    Not a murmur was heard,

    Not a sound, not a word,

    But the fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

    #24Verfasser Pinscheline (1070141) 25 Nov. 20, 16:34

    I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

    He said, “NO!”

    I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

    He said, “OK.”

    I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

    Bill Gates said, “NO.”

    I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

    Bill Gates said, “OK.”

    I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

    He said, “NO.”

    I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

    He said, “OK.”

    This is how politics works.

    #25Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 26 Nov. 20, 11:29

    The guy who invented autocorrect recently die.

    Restaurant in peace.

    #26Verfasser Masu (613197) 29 Nov. 20, 03:49
    • Why is upcoming 1 January an admission of defeat?
    • Because it means 2021.
    #27Verfasser JanZ (805098) 04 Dez. 20, 10:37

    What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a consipated owl?

    one can shoot but not hit

    the other can hoot but not shit

    #28Verfasser P.. (308627) 07 Dez. 20, 15:09

    Why do pirates have to self-isolate all the bloody time?

    Because the "R" rate is so high ...

    #29Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 08 Dez. 20, 09:02
    The fact that some people cannot distinguish between entomology and etymology bugs me in more ways than I can put into words.
    #30Verfasser patman2 (527865) 15 Dez. 20, 23:43


    #31Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 16 Dez. 20, 12:33

    With the sentence „DIE IN HELL” you can buy shoes in Germany

    #32Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Dez. 20, 10:35

    versteh ich nicht

    #33Verfasser Masu (613197) 18 Dez. 20, 13:11

    Ich hätte dieses Paar Schuhe bitte in einer helleren Farbe. Oder kurz: Die in hell.

    #34Verfasser traveller in time (589684) 18 Dez. 20, 13:14


    #35Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Dez. 20, 13:20

    Shop window of a cobbler




    #36Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 18 Dez. 20, 20:18

    #32 *groan*

    #37Verfasser Masu (613197) 19 Dez. 20, 22:14

    And the Dover fisherman is still wondering why he might need a cobbler to save his sole.

    #38Verfasser mbshu (874725) 19 Dez. 20, 23:00

    Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.


    Where  do sick ships go to get healthy? The dock!

    #39Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  21 Dez. 20, 08:47

    The German opposite of umfahren (running something over) is umfahren (drive around something).

    Good luck learning that language.

    #40Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  23 Dez. 20, 10:29

    Makes at least as much sense as flammable and inflammable meaning the same thing :-) All joking aside, it would probably be a good idea to mention the differences in pronunciation (u̲mfahren vs. umfa̲hren), a concept that should come natural to native speakers of English.

    Obligatory Joke: What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!

    #41Verfasser Carullus (670120)  23 Dez. 20, 11:28
    —> come naturally to

    *obligatory groan*

    #42Verfasser hm -- us (236141) 23 Dez. 20, 12:16

    Nothing comes easy in life.

    Even Santa comes with a clause.

    Nativity scene:

    The ox looks at the manger and says to the donkey:

    Dude, there's a baby in the salad!

    #43Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  25 Dez. 20, 00:01

    When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

    Now I'm homeless.

    #44Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  01 Jan. 21, 11:36

    Saw this one on reddit and thougth it might be worth sharing:

    A King asked his servant to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.

    After a month's extensive search operations, the servant brought to the court only two people!

    "But I asked for five", the king said angrily

    "Give me a chance to present them one by one", the servant pleaded and went on to present his idiots:

    "Sire, this man, while travelling in a bullock cart, was keeping his luggage on his head so as not to hurt the bullocks. He is the first idiot.

    Pointing to the second man the servant continued, "And this man here is the second idiot. Some grass grew on the roof of his thatched house and he was trying to force his cow climb up a ladder to graze on them."

    The servant continued, "sire, there were a lot of importants jobs for me to do in the state, but I ignored them and wasted a precious month in searching for idiots. According to me I am the third idiot."

    The king paused here for a moment.

    "Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?", the king thundered.

    "Beg your pardon, sire", the servant continued, "You are the King and are responsible for the wellbeing of the entire state and its people. You need wise persons to help you oversee the state affairs. Instead of looking for wise people you engaged me to look for idiots. According to me you are the fourth idiot.

    And, sire, the person who is glued to this post, keeping aside all his high priority assignments, oblivious of pressing needs of his familiy, just to learn who is the fifth idiot, is the fifth idiot himself.

    #45Verfasser heco (236172) 03 Jan. 21, 15:59

    Gosh, those people on Reddit must lead busy lives. I'm just mildly bored on a grey Sunday afternoon.

    #46Verfasser Gibson (418762) 03 Jan. 21, 16:21

    First woman on the moon.

    "Houston, we have a problem."


    "Never mind."

    What's the problem?


    Please tell us?

    "I'm fine."

    #47Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  06 Jan. 21, 01:15

    When Corona is over and you have the choice to either go on holiday with your family or go out for a beer with your mates, what would you choose?

    Becks, Fosters or Guinness?    

    #48VerfasserVileness fats (241697) 07 Jan. 21, 09:44

    I wanted to tell a joke about sodium, but Na...

    #49Verfasser P.. (308627) 11 Jan. 21, 09:29

    Spiders are the only web developers in the world that enjoy finding bugs.

    #50Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 12 Jan. 21, 01:55

    Why do ants never get sick?

    Because they have little anty bodies ...

    #51Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Jan. 21, 09:09

    A liar, a narcisist, a charlatan and a racist walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What's your poison, Mr Johnson?"

    Brexit walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "Why the long farce?"

    #52Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Jan. 21, 13:10

    Mal sehen, ob ich ihn noch zusammenbringe...:

    A man with two tigers comes to an Irish pub.

    "Do you also serve Englishmen?" he asks.

    "For sure", the bartender replies"

    "Then I'll have two for my tigers"

    #53Verfasserm.dietz (780138)  12 Jan. 21, 13:24

    Why I voted Remain:

    I voted Remain, for two reasons

    • 1st my kids all work or study in EU countries.
    • 2nd I don't want them back.

    #54VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 12 Jan. 21, 13:27

    My son was wearing a "Vote Conservative" t-shirt and a hat saying "I love Brexit". So far he's been spat at, abused, slapped round the head and told he's a brainless twat. God knows what's going to happen once he leaves the house.

    #55Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Jan. 21, 17:55

    A friend of mine asked me to name two structures which contain water. And I thought "well, damn ..."

    #56Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Jan. 21, 17:07

    "Words travel worlds. Translators do the driving."

    Anna Rusconi, translator.

    #57Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 16 Jan. 21, 11:25

    "My friend's father was in a fire last month".

    "Was he badly burned?"

    "They don't kid about at the crematorium".

    (Benny Hill)

    #58Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 22 Jan. 21, 10:13

    I asked my son to pass me the television remote control.

    "Did your dad bother you and make you get the remote?," he asked.

    "Listen, you little shit,' I said, "I was the remote."

    #59VerfasserVileness fats (241697) 22 Jan. 21, 10:29



    #60Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 31 Jan. 21, 13:33
    A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

    "Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

    Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

    "Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious."
    #61Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  08 Feb. 21, 20:28

    #61 ... bitte helft mir ... ich raffs nicht ... nicht mit laut sprechen ... rumnuscheln ... ich bin zu doof ...

    #62Verfasser Sock5_0 (1257990) 09 Feb. 21, 09:28

    excuse my language :-)

    ...it would take the cunt ages.

    #63Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  09 Feb. 21, 09:32

    Ich könnt mich über diesen Witz immer wieder so bep***en 🤣😂

    #64Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 09 Feb. 21, 09:50

    : -)

    Wie harmlos dagegen mein heute aufgeschnappter "Witz":

    Two guys in black suits came knocking at my door the other day and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus!" ... and I said "Oh, no...! What has he done now!"

    #65VerfasserBraunbärin (757733)  09 Feb. 21, 15:13

    Two guys in black suits came knocking at my door the other day and said: "We want to talk to you about God!" ... and I said "Lovely - about which one?"

    #66Verfasser Sock5_0 (1257990) 10 Feb. 21, 09:29

    The last time such people rang the bell at my parents house and wanted to missionize my parents my mom asked them "Do you change your religion like your underwear?" "No, absolutely not!" "Then why do you expect me to do so?"

    Since then there were no unsolicitied house calls about any religious topic.

    #67Verfasser AGB (236120) 10 Feb. 21, 09:37


    #68Verfasser Masu (613197) 10 Feb. 21, 10:07

    Maths Teacher: What is a line?

    Pappu: A line is a dot that´s going or a walk.

    Teacher: Then what are parallel lines?

    Pappu: A dot going for a walk with his Girlfriend!







    Thats me. Don´t feel sad...Your Name is also there...

    Read the first letter of every word.

    #69VerfasserKronos327 (1300799)  10 Feb. 21, 10:35

    My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn....

    #70VerfasserVileness fats (241697) 11 Feb. 21, 06:59

    As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

    #71Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 13 Feb. 21, 12:46

    Have faith in the Pfizer vaccin.

    Don't forget they make Viagra.

    If they can raise the dead...

    They can save the living.

    #72Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 14 Feb. 21, 15:08

    You come from dust,

    you will return to dust.

    That's why I don't dust.

    It could be someone I know.

    #73Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 18 Feb. 21, 15:44

    Did you know that penguins actually CAN fly? You just have to throw them hard enough. Just like kids ...

    #74Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 02 Mär. 21, 09:34

    Cats do help you with your work.

    They are best in purrcrastination.

    #75Verfasser Masu (613197) 03 Mär. 21, 08:40

    Bears are a much better help!

    There are professionals in bearcrastination!


    #76Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643) 03 Mär. 21, 12:12

    Tojse animals from Australia have much better koalafications! But that is entirely irrelephant!

    #77Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 03 Mär. 21, 12:16

    That is not right. You are a cheetah! And you did it on purpoise!

    #78Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643) 03 Mär. 21, 13:03

    Joe and Peter both went on the new Dolly Parton diet. It didn't work for Peter, though, because it only made Joe lean.

    #79Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 11 Mär. 21, 08:31

    Why can’t American cops play pool Billard? They always shoot the black ones first.

    #80Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Mär. 21, 13:20

    John: How do you say “flash drive” in (Brazilian) Portuguese?

    João: “Pen drive.” How do you say “notebook” in English?

    John: “Lap top.” How do you say “tuxedo” in Portuguese?

    João: “Smoking.” How do you say “outdoor” in English?

    John: “Billboard”. How do you say “mall” in Portuguese?

    João: “Shopping center.” How do you say “bike” in English?

    John: “Bike.” How do you say “WFH” (Work From Home) in Portuguese?

    João: “Home Office.”

    And on and on and on... E assim vai…

    #81Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 12 Mär. 21, 18:43

    Die Kanzleien Sue, Grabbit & Runne und Dewey Screwem & Howe kannte ich ja schon, aber die auf Scheidungen spezalisierte Kanzlei Ditcher Quycke & Hyde kannte ich noch nicht.

    #82Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 16 Mär. 21, 14:27

    A chicken walks into a library and says, "buk". The librarian hands him a book. The chicken takes it and leaves. Then the next day ...

    The chicken again walks into the library and says "bukbuk", and the librarian hands him two books. The chicken takes the books and leaves. The third day, chicken says "bukbukbuk", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bukbukbukbukbuk", the librarian hands him five books and follows the chicken to see what it's doing with all these books.

    There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bukbukbukbukbuk", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"!

    #83Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 16 Mär. 21, 14:43

    Am Ostersamstag kam mir die 4-CD-Box "Black & Blue" ins Haus geflogen - mit rd. 5 Stunden X-rated schwarzer "comedy" aus den 60er und 70er Jahren. Hier eine erste Kostprobe von Jimmy Lynch, "The Funky Tramp":

    A man comes home drunk and accidentally eats a can of dog food. The next day he tells his wife that whatever it was he ate he loved it. "Get me some more!" So she goes to the store and buys three cans. The clerk asks how many dogs does she have. She says: "None. It's for my husband." And she tells him the story. The clerk tells her that if she keeps feeding him dog food it will kill him. She says if she tells her husband he ate dog food he'll kill her - so all week she keeps buying him dog food and every time the clerk warns her.

    Finally, one day she comes into the store crying because her husband ist dead. The clerk says: "I told you that dog food would kill him. "

    She says: "It wasn't the fog food. He was sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a truck ran over him."

    Und noch ein kleiner Bonus von Redd Foxx:

    When you get old in the hips you get young in the lips.

    #84Verfasser Dr. Dark (658186)  06 Apr. 21, 11:40

    Aus einem alten archivierten Faden, eingesandt im Januar 2005:

    A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some wanker wants to buy a half a head of lettuce". As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half".

    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?".

    "Essex, sir", the boy replied.

    "Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.

    The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there".

    "Really?", said the manager ruefully, "My wife's from Essex".

    The boy instantly replied, "No shit, which team does she play for?".

    #85Verfasser Kurt A. (1313470) 08 Apr. 21, 12:40

    Köstlich, wird geklaut.

    #86Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 08 Apr. 21, 13:08

    Den letzten Teil kannte ich auf Deutsch mit Brasilien statt Essex.

    #87Verfasser JanZ (805098) 08 Apr. 21, 13:23

    @JanZ: von Jürgen von der Lippe?

    #88Verfasser Pottkieker (871812) 08 Apr. 21, 14:36

    Hmm, ich glaube, zumindest nicht direkt.

    #89Verfasser JanZ (805098) 08 Apr. 21, 15:52

    #82 (B.L.Z. Bubb):

    Gibt's auch eine im Erbrecht spezialisierte Kanzlei?

    Vielleicht diese:

    A lawyer who retired and left his practice to his newly qualified son, was invited to a celebratory supper the following year. 'You must congratulate me,' said the jubilant young lawyer. 'I have succeeded in settling that disputed will case that I came across in the strong room.'

    'You idiot,' exploded his father, 'I inteded that dispute to keep you in fees until you retired yourself.'

    #90Verfasser Kurt A. (1313470) 17 Apr. 21, 16:38

    If you attended a reeeeaaallly bad stage play, then you will most like suffer PDSD - Post Dramatic Stress Disorder.

    #91Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 27 Apr. 21, 18:32

    Q. How do all the oceans say hello to each other?

    A. They wave!

    #92VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 28 Apr. 21, 15:11

    What has two butts and kills people?

    An assassin.

    #93Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 30 Apr. 21, 16:05

    Socrates: to do is to be

    Plato: to be is to do

    Scooby: do be do

    #94Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 11 Mai 21, 05:39

    ..and Frank Sinatra: Doo-bee-doo-bee-dooo

    #95Verfasser drkimble (463961) 11 Mai 21, 08:57

    Ich kenne das mit Sacha Distel...


    #96Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 12 Mai 21, 13:39

    Learning to spell with nursery rhymes

    Old Mother Hupboard

    Went to the cupboard

    To get her poor doggy a bone.

    But when she got thare,

    The cupboard was bare,

    And so the poor doggy got known.

    #97Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 14 Mai 21, 14:49

    Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club. It was Open Mike Night.

    #98Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Mai 21, 16:32

    Me in the police interview suite: "I won't say a word without my lawyer present!"

    Policeman: "YOU are the lawyer!"

    Me: "Yeah, so where's my present?"

    #99Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Mai 21, 15:13


    Ein etwas längerer, weil ich gerade bei Jokes about Consultants surfte:

    The Consultant

    A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference.

    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" - Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salomon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approx. three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

    I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

    "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

    Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

    #100VerfasserBraunbärin (757733) 18 Mai 21, 20:19

    Everybody knows who Karl Marx was. But really nobody remembers his sister Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

    #101Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Mai 21, 09:42

    Did you know there's not a single canary to be found on the Canary Islands?

    The same goes for the Virgin Islands.

    Not a single canary there.

    #102Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 20 Mai 21, 10:02

    What did the chicken say when she laid a square egg? Ouch!

    What did Greg say when he laid a square brick? That fits perfectly.

    (Greg is a bricklayer.)

    #103Verfasser Alan (De/US) (236282) 20 Mai 21, 10:18



    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.

    The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

    I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

    This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

    I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

    #104Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 21 Mai 21, 17:53

    " A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother - eh, I mean 'another' "

    #105Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 27 Mai 21, 14:39

    Nurse in the delivery room:

    • Doctor! This child has no umbilical cord!!!
    • The new models are wireless!
    #106Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 31 Mai 21, 00:22

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because it couldn't make a check mark.

    #107Verfasser Alan (De/US) (236282) 04 Jun. 21, 16:41

    Why did the redneck cross the road?

    To eat the chicken.

    #108VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 08 Jun. 21, 14:46

    I met my new girlfriend at the zoo. She's a keeper.

    #110Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 09 Jul. 21, 14:51
    Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you will be getting for Christmas."

    Luke: "But ... how? How can you possibly know that?"

    Darth Vader: "I have felt your presents ..."
    #111Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 11 Jul. 21, 10:11
    # 108 Ich hätte gedacht … to shoot the chicken.
    #112Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 11 Jul. 21, 11:15


    * Pasta was not eaten.

    * Curry was a surname.

    * Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

    * Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were

    used for embalming

    * Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

    * A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.>

    * The main vegetables known to us were potatos, peas, beans, carrots

    and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.

    * All crackers were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put

    the salt on or not.

    * Condiments consisted of salt, pepper and vinegar.

    * Soft drinks were called pop.

    * Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.

    * Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever, part of our dinner.

    * A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

    * Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

    Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for


    Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.

    * The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices

    that we hear so much about today.

    * Tea had only one colour, Black.

    * Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

    * Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

    * Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

    * Hors d’oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

    * Soup was a main meal.

    * The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.

    * Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.

    * Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.

    * Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

    * Sauce was either brown or red.

    * Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

    * Frozen food was called ice cream.

    * Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.

    * None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

    * Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.

    * Indian restaurants were only found in India .

    * Cheese only came in a hard lump.

    * Eating out was called a picnic.

    * Cooking outside was called camping.

    * Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.

    * Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday – and on that day it was> compulsory.

    * Cornflakes had just arrived from America but it was obvious that

    they would never catch on.

    * We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.

    * Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being

    white gold.

    * Prunes were purely medicinal.

    * Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was

    called cattle feed.

    * Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

    * Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture

    of a real one.

    * We didn’t eat Croissants in those days because we couldn’t

    pronounce them, we couldn’t spell them and we didn’t know what they were.

    * Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour


    * Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling and

    charging for it they would have become a laughing stock.

    * Food hygiene was only about washing your hands before meals.

    * Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all

    called “food poisoning.”

    However, the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..ELBOWS

    #113Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 15 Jul. 21, 23:45

    Great! I'm old enough to know that everything is true.

    #114Verfasser RenaRd (907225) 16 Jul. 21, 09:33

    It's also very anglocentric (I think? I would have said American, but mentioning the cornflakes puts it outside of the US), a lot of things don't hold true for the continent. (And not just the obvious places, like pasta = Italy etc.)

    Q: Waiter, will my pizza be long? A: No sir, it will be round!

    SPOILER ALERT: That milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

    #115Verfasser Carullus (670120) 16 Jul. 21, 12:19

    Ich habe gerade im WöBu nachgeschaut, was ¨posh" bedeutet, denn mein Englisch ist auch nicht mehr das, was es einmal war. Das Wort klingt so pejorativ, aber die Übersetzung ist positiv!

    #116Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 16 Jul. 21, 15:08
    Der war bestimmt schon ...

    A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

    Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." “Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?" Katie ups and says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Marie from Manchester, a sweet girl with pigtails and freckles, jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house wiv a 2 inch brush, and me da says it will take the contagious."
    #117Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 09:24

    Call me stupid, but I would appreciate an explanation. /-:

    #118Verfasser hm -- us (236141) 17 Jul. 21, 09:58

    "it will take the cunt ages" ;-)

    #119Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 10:00

    No. 116: Es gibt sogar ein Denkmal in London, das die Entstehung des Wortes posh erklärt. Es wurde zu einem Jubiläum der Reederei P&O errichtet, und wir entdeckten es einmal zufällig bei einem Spaziergang.

    #120Verfasser mbshu (874725)  17 Jul. 21, 10:03

    ​A lad from Glasgow brings his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents: "This is Amanda". His father jumps up and screams "It's a fucking what!?"

    #121Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  17 Jul. 21, 10:04
    Thanks for the reply. I suppose I should have known that it would be vulgar. /-:

    Bubb, don't you have a daughter? Is this really what you want her to know, growing up?


    Never mind ...

    #122Verfasser hm -- us (236141)  17 Jul. 21, 10:09

    Von mir lernt sie nix, was sie nicht auch aus der Schule mit nach Haus bringt.

    Und was haben Wortwitze hier mit meiner Erziehung zu tun?

    #123Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 10:14
    Whatever garbage you spew here is probably not very different to what you say at home.

    I just find that sad. It's not as if kids don't notice. They're not stupid.

    #124Verfasser hm -- us (236141) 17 Jul. 21, 10:30
    "spew garbage"? Wow.
    #125Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 10:57

    Was ist so schlimm an No. 117? Immerhin haben wir Cunt den Kategorischen Imperativ zu verdanken!

    #126Verfasser mbshu (874725) 17 Jul. 21, 11:30
    Ich hab halt ein böses Wort verwendet und einen unanständigen Witz gepostet. Boohooo ...
    #127Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 12:46

    #124: If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

    Ich gehe ja auch nicht als Veganer in eine Metzgerei und beschwere mich dann darüber, dass da Teile von toten Tieren rumliegen.

    #128Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 17 Jul. 21, 14:09
    Von mir aus gern Kritik an Witzen, aber "spew garbage" ist finde ich einen Tacken zu viel. Und gleich noch mit Seitenhieben auf meine angeblichen Erziehungsmethoden garniert finde ich absolut inakzeptabel.

    #129Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 14:31


    #130Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 17 Jul. 21, 14:32
    #131Verfasser AnnaS (273929) 17 Jul. 21, 19:17

    Hach ja ... So stolpert man über die unterschiedliche Wahrnehmung von Begriffen in unterschiedlichen Kulturen.

    Bubb, ich glaube nicht, dass hm - us deine Erziehungsmethoden angreifen wollte, sondern darauf hinweisen, dass die lieben Kleinen alles mitbekommen, das sie nicht mitbekommen sollen.

    Hm - us, ich bin ziemlich sicher, dass völlig normale, durchschnittliche Kinder in DE spätestens mit 12 den Begriff kennen - bzw. das deutsche Gegenstück -, an dem du dich störst.

    Kannst du dir vorstellen, dass der Ausdruck "spew garbage" für mich abstoßender ist als "cunt"?

    #132VerfasserEx-Igelin DE (1326477) 17 Jul. 21, 19:39
    That same joke came in #61, from BLZ Bubb himself, guess he is getting forgetful. 😉

    A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool!"
    His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
    Husband replies, "Our wedding video."
    #133Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 17 Jul. 21, 19:45
    A couple of cows were smoking joints and playing cards.
    That's right.
    The steaks were pretty high.
    #134Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 17 Jul. 21, 19:50
    Er ist nur besser erzählt ;-)

    Nein, hatte ich wirklich vergessen. Das macht mich dann jetzt doppelt und dreifach verdammenswürdig 🤣
    #135Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jul. 21, 21:09

    >>Kannst du dir vorstellen, dass der Ausdruck "spew garbage" für mich abstoßender ist als "c[...]"?


    I can emphatically not imagine any such thing. The word in my experience is Absolutely. Not. Said. (or written) in polite society.

    Anyone interested in the reasons might find American linguistics professor James McWhorter's discussions helpful, though I can't remember which excerpt of his recent book it was in. Maybe one of these, or maybe on C-Span, I'm not sure; but anyway, in his ranking of a very few words that are still completely taboo, it's in the absolute worst group, along with the (English) n-word.

    Siehe auch: N-Wort - n-word - #7
    Siehe auch: N-Wort - n-word - #23

    Bubb, perhaps I should have cut you more slack, because I do know that you strongly prefer BE and it's used much more carelessly there. I admit I was just very shocked to find that what I had thought was a relatively harmless question about meaning came back with an answer that felt to me like a particularly mean slap in the face.

    In any case, I still maintain that parents should make children of any age aware that there are millions of English speakers in the world, whether simply polite people or women or Americans or any combination of the above, who will find that word completely offensive. Again, especially because it's a bad word in a foreign language, it may seem deceptively innocuous to non-native speakers.

    #136Verfasser hm -- us (236141)  18 Jul. 21, 06:30
    Himmel, es war ein WITZ ...
    #137Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Jul. 21, 13:37

    No. 137: I admit I was just very shocked to find that what I had thought was a relatively harmless question about meaning came back with an answer that felt to me like a particularly mean slap in the face.

    Das kann ich überhaupt nicht nachvollziehen. Du hast nach einer Erklärung für No. 117 gefragt. Du hast sie bekommen. Contagious steht in diesem Fall für cunt ages. Das ist ordinär und eher ein Kalauer als ein Witz. Aber warum reagierst Du so, als wäre es eine Beleidigung Deiner Person gewesen?

    #138Verfasser mbshu (874725)  18 Jul. 21, 13:39

    Weil der frühere US-Präsident von Millionen Amerikanerinnen weiterhin geschätzt wird/ wurde, nachdem er das grässliche "grab her p****" " geäußert hat, - dazu passt m.E. "to spew garbage" - frage ich mich ernsthaft, ob wirklich so viele ordentliche US-Familien über den Bubb'schen Witz entsetzt gewesen wären.

    Der von Bubb gebrachte Witz gehört zwar in die Kategorie, die ich persönlich nicht erzählen würde, aber gerade im Hinblick auf die regionale Aussprache der Mancunians ist er trotzdem durchaus amüsant. Man denke in milderer Form an das badische Aschtrittle (=Astrid) als Vornamen.

     because I do know that you strongly prefer BE and it's used much more carelessly there

    Bei aller Wertschätzung für Deine Beiträge, hm-us, amerikanische Flüche/Witze finde ich oft derartig vulgär, dass ich mich nach einem britischen etwas weniger ordinären Kalauer sehne..

    In any case, I still maintain that parents should make children of any age aware that there are millions of English speakers in the world, whether simply polite people or women or Americans or any combination of the above, who will find that word completely offensive.

    Abstrakt durchaus Zustimmung. Aber wo in Amerika gibt denn ein offensives Vorgehen gegen Wörter wie motherf*****? -

    Oder denke an Tom Wolfe, "I am Charlotte Simmons". Wenn ich mich recht erinnere, war Tom Wolfe geschockt von dem, was an Worten und Taten in US- Studentenkreisen möglich ist.


    Bis gerade eben hätte ich nicht geglaubt, dass ich einmal die Anspielung auf das Wort c*** ein bisschen in Schutz nehmen würde :-)

    #139Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  18 Jul. 21, 14:21

    Damit es nicht untergeht, ein edit im neuen Beitrag:

    Probe aufs Exempel: In "I am Charlotte Simmons", in dem es abschnittsweise von tatsächlich gebrauchten Vulgärausdrücken wimmelt ( u.a. im Buch so genanntes Fucking patois ), heißt es u.a.

    "So long- Miss Community C***" " said Nicole.

    Tom Wolfe bedankt sich ja im Nachwort bei den Menschen, die ihm die damals aktuelle Studentensprache vermittelt haben.

    . The word in my experience is Absolutely. Not. Said. (or written) in polite society.

    In Bezug auf Studentenslang ist der Roman aber eine Art Tatsachenbericht.

    #140Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  18 Jul. 21, 18:02
    Ich zitiere mal aus dem deutschen Witzefaden (diese "Mahnung" steht dort seit Jahren in jedem Eingangspost):

    "Schamhaftes Erröten, Auslassungspunkte und -sternchen, so sagte einst Mambo5, sind etwas für verklemmte Breifurzer. Political und sonstige correctness können draußen bleiben!"

    'nuff said ...
    #141Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Jul. 21, 18:28

    Beware, "swear word" in the last paragraph. Read at your own risk. (since you never know who might take offence ...)

    Medical experts in London were asked today if it was the right time to ease the COVID lockdowns…


    Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government lacked the nerve.

    Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

    Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

    Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

    Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

    Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.

    Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Colorectal Surgeons won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**eholes in politics.”

    #142Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Jul. 21, 20:20

    Folgender Satz würde wohl auch ins Sprachlabor passen, ist hier aber nicht falsch aufgehoben:

    And there is the complaint given by a small boy in the UK on seeing his father coming upstairs to read him a bedtime story and carrying a book about Australia:

    “Daddy, what have you brought that book I can’t put up with about down under up for?”

    #143Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 19 Jul. 21, 21:08

    OT, just to express complete agreement with #132, #138, and #139.

    #144Verfasser Jabonah (874310) 20 Jul. 21, 07:50

    After announcing he's getting married, a Scot tells his mate he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress."

    #145Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Jul. 21, 13:39

    A comment on Richard Branson's space trip: "He headed where no billionaire went before!" - "The tax-office?"

    #146Verfasser Sock5_0 (1257990) 21 Jul. 21, 13:15

    Es ist schon ein Witz für sich, dass die Milliardäre Raketenflugzeuge brauchen, wo unsereiner früher mit einem Lineal auskam (oder dem gespreizten Daumen und Zeigefinger einer Hand).

    (Ich entschuldige mich förmlichst für den deutschen Beitrag, wollte aber nicht den Faden durch inkorrektes Englisch verunstalten.)

    #147Verfasser grinsessa (1265817) 21 Jul. 21, 14:56

    Re #147: Meintest du wirklich "Lineal" oder nicht doch eher "Besen"?


    #148Verfasser traveler in time (757476) 21 Jul. 21, 15:00


    Sorry, english:

    I don't have the pleasure of understanding you?

    #149Verfasser grinsessa (1265817)  21 Jul. 21, 21:59

    Re #149: I will try to explain the pun of #147 when using "broom" instead of "ruler".

    (Pls excuse my bad English)

    "It is really a bad joke that billionaires need rocket planes today whereas we need only a broom (ruler?) in the past"

    I hope you get it now. Maybe I didn't get the pun of your #147.

    #150Verfasser traveler in time (757476)  22 Jul. 21, 09:07

    trav, das war kein "pun", sondern eine Anspielung auf den stattfindenden Schwanzvergleich zwischen den drei Typen - früher brauchte man ein Lineal (oder vermaß eben mit der Hand), dann brauchte man Sportwagen, und jetzt eben Raketen, um rauszufinden, wer den Längsten hat ;-)

    #151Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Jul. 21, 09:15

    Re #151: Tja, da haben wir wieder das Gender-Problem.

    Bei dir hätte ich den Pun wahrscheinlich verstanden, bei grinsessa kam mir eher der Besen in den Sinn. 😉 (Ja, das war jetzt sexistisch!)

    BTW Wieso ist "Schwanzvergleich - cock size contest" nicht in LEO zu finden????

    Obligatory joke:


    What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?

    The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

    #152Verfasser traveler in time (757476) 22 Jul. 21, 09:25

    Brutal! :-)

    #153Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 22 Jul. 21, 11:32

    What's the difference between the lawyer and a bucket of shit?

    The bucket ...

    #154Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Jul. 21, 11:55

    Kann mich jemand vom Schlauch holen? What's the connection between a rocket plane, a broom and a ruler? Why would I sweep the floor with a rocket plane? Feeling rather stupid here.

    (The sexism bit I get, but the notion that every male is constantly obsessing about the length of his member is slightly sexist, too :-) I was doubtful about using the general "we" but I decided that I was capable of measuring the length of a penis by either means, if required, despite my gender.)

    #155Verfasser grinsessa (1265817)  22 Jul. 21, 15:18

    What's the connection between a rocket plane, a broom and a ruler?

    Ich glaube, zwischen allen dreien gibt es keine. Rakete und Besen haben gemeinsam, dass man damit (jedenfalls in Witzen) fliegen kann, während man Rakete und Lineal beide für den Schwanzvergleich nutzen kann. Jetzt klarer?

    #156Verfasser JanZ (805098) 22 Jul. 21, 15:39

    Aaaah, Hexen. Himmelhirn.

    #157Verfasser grinsessa (1265817) 22 Jul. 21, 15:46

    Why should math teachers never call their students "average"?

    Because it's a mean thing to say.

    #158Verfasser Stepha3nie (568942) 23 Jul. 21, 17:24
    "testiculate" - waving your arms around wildly while talking bollocks.
    #159Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 26 Jul. 21, 21:34
    A Ukrainian guy goes to the eye doctor.
    The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

    C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

    The optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"

    "Read it?" the guy replies, "I know the guy!"
    #160Verfasser patman2 (527865)  26 Jul. 21, 23:18
    There is sure a possibility to imagine that the joke would be a little bit funny, if the guy in question were Polish 😉
    #161Verfasser las. (377311) 27 Jul. 21, 19:44
    #162Verfasser JanZ (805098) 27 Jul. 21, 20:34

    Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.

    He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.

    "Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"

    Paddy says, "I am sir."

    The preacher puts him under the water then says, "Have you found Jesus?"

    "No sir."

    He puts him under for longer. "Have you found Jesus?"

    "No sir."

    He puts him under for two minutes. "Have you found Jesus?"

    Paddy says, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

    #163Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Jul. 21, 09:36

    Maybe in the realm of B.L.Z. Bubb it is less known, but both the preacher and the Irishman ought to have learned that, according to scripture, Jesus walked on the water. So why look for Him under water?

    #164Verfasser mbshu (874725) 29 Jul. 21, 17:41
    Well, that "walking on water" malarkey was BEFORE they put holes in HIS feet, wasn't it?
    #165Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Jul. 21, 19:30

    He was most holy before that, wasn't He?

    #166Verfasser mbshu (874725) 29 Jul. 21, 19:37
    No, afterwards ;-)
    #167Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Jul. 21, 19:52

    A Buddhist​ walks up to a hot dog vendor in Brooklyn. The hot dog guy asks him, "What can I make you?" The Buddhist replies "Make me one with everything."

    #168Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 05 Aug. 21, 12:01

    Der Witz ging doch dann noch weiter:

    He pays with a 10-dollar bill and waits, until the hot dog guys asks what he is waiting for.

    "My change of course"

    "Change comes from within"

    #169Verfasserm.dietz (780138)  05 Aug. 21, 13:28


    #170Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 05 Aug. 21, 15:07

     The Buddhist replies "Make me one with everything."

    Dieser Witz funktioniert auch im Ruhrgebietsdeutsch:

    "Mach mich eins mit allem" :-)

    #171Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 05 Aug. 21, 16:19

    Ein Buddhist im Ruhrgebiet, das ist für sich genommen schon ein Witz!

    #172Verfasser mbshu (874725) 05 Aug. 21, 16:23
    A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral when a man says to her, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
    "No, go ahead," the woman replies.
    The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora" and sits back down.
    "Thank you," the woman says. "That means a lot."
    #173Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 07 Aug. 21, 09:26

    Grandpa lay dying in the bed room while the rest of the family was discussing the procedure of the funeral and where to go afterwards. “Pizza Hut”” suggested Little Billy Joe, when e thin voice in the bedroom said ”The White Swan”. Grandma shrugged her shoulders and said “What about Margie’s Diner”. Mom ignored the voice repeating „The White Swan” as well and suggested “The Golden Tavern”. When the voice whispered”The White Swan” again grandma turned around and yelled “Oh, shut up. You’re not going to join us”.

    #174Verfasser RenaRd (907225)  07 Aug. 21, 10:22

    Ich kapier #173 nicht :-(

    #175Verfasser grinsessa (1265817) 09 Aug. 21, 10:22
    #176Verfasser JanZ (805098) 09 Aug. 21, 10:26

    grinsessa, Du suchst vermutlich nach tiefsinnigeren Erklärungen als nötig.

    Du weißt doch sicher, was das englische Wort "plethora" bedeutet. Wenn nicht: Siehe Wörterbuch: plethora

    #177Verfasser harambee (91833) 09 Aug. 21, 10:27

    "plethora" literally means "a lot" ;-)

    #178Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 09 Aug. 21, 10:28

    Das hatte ich sogar nachgeschaut, aber mir trotzdem keinen Reim darauf machen können. Jetzt kichere ich haltlos vor mich hin, wegen der Dämlichkeit des Witzes und meiner eigenen :-D

    #179Verfasser grinsessa (1265817) 09 Aug. 21, 10:29

    Ich mag den Witz. Dieser Seitenhieb auf das oftmals inhaltsarme "That means a lot to me." passt zu meinem Humor.

    #180Verfasser harambee (91833) 09 Aug. 21, 10:31

    Ja, der ist unglaublich doof, unglaublich intelligent und einfach großartig.

    #181Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 09 Aug. 21, 10:32

    *michzugrinsessagesell* *groan* ich hab Plethora gekugelt und was von "Flüssigkeitsansammlungen im Körper" gefunden.

    Merke: erstmal das Wörterbuch befragen.

    #182Verfasser Masu (613197) 09 Aug. 21, 10:51

    Darf ich den Witz noch ein bisschen abwandeln?

    - Do you mind if I say a couple of words?

    - No, go ahead!

    - To each his own!

    - Thank you - that means a lot to me.

    (So funktioniert er auch auf deutsch ...)

    #183Verfasser dirk (236321) 09 Aug. 21, 11:33
    Geht aber nicht, "jedem das Seine" ist vergiftet.

    Und ich bilde mir grad was ein auf mein Graecum, ich hab den Witz gleich verstanden. 🧐🤣
    #184Verfasser tigger (236106) 09 Aug. 21, 12:05
    Back to the jokes, please! 😉

    The event made headline news in the local paper. "Man of 80 marries girl of 21". The man was in such great demand that it was arranged for him to hold a press conference when they returned from their honeymoon.
    "How often do you have sex?" shouted out one of the journalists.
    "Nearly every night," replied the man. "Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...”
    #185Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 09 Aug. 21, 19:31

    Four short jokes:

    I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

    Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post! It was an empty envelope.


    At a job interview:

    “So ... what are your strengths?”

    “I take matters in my own hands.”

    “Ok, thank you. We will contact you.”

    “No, I will contact you.”


    A homeless guy found a laptop somebody else forgot on the train. He immediately went and checked out what’s in the trash bin.


    A tourist from Texas stands under the Eiffel Tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.

    “What an amaaaazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”


    And one longer one:

    A ship has been badly damaged in a storm and things don’t look good.

    The crew assembles on the deck and the captain shouts over the howling wind, “Men, it’s bad! The helm is broken off, we have three huge holes, I really don’t see this beauty making it to the shore. Is there anyone among you who knows how to pray?”

    Paul steps up and says, “I can, and I will, Captain!”

    “Excellent! - you do that,” shouts the captain. “Now the rest of you put on your life jackets. We were missing one.”

    #186VerfasserBraunbärin (757733)  19 Aug. 21, 20:38

    A Freudian slip is saying one thing when you mean your mother.
    #187Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 20 Aug. 21, 12:04

    Things to do at Wal-Mart hypermarket while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time...

    1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 2 minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell them, in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in Housewares"and see what happens.

    5. Put M&M's on lay-by.

    6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpeted areas.

    7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell others that they are invited only if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. When someone asks if they can help you , begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

    9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

    10. While handling rifles into he hunting department, ask the clerk if they know where the anti-depressants are.

    11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

    12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

    13. Hide in the clothing rack, and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

    14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

    15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

    #188VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 26 Aug. 21, 09:35

    LOL 🙂

    Proposals for "Candid Camera" ?

    #189Verfasser gemini58 (826606) 26 Aug. 21, 11:50

    I asked my granddaughter to fetch me the newspaper. She laughed and said: "Granddad, you are so old, just use my phone.

    So I slammed her phone against the wall and killed that hairy spider.

    #190Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 27 Aug. 21, 04:46
    A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"
    "A spider" he replies.
    "I don't see anything" she says.
    "Oh, it must have fallen on your head" he said calmly. The wife jumps up screaming. The man says "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"
    #191Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 30 Aug. 21, 19:40

    This happened at a New York Airport.

    This airline gate agent deserves an award for how she handled a passenger who probably

    deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded flight was canceled. A

    single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first who were in front of you; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

    Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...

    Credit : Tom Anderton

    #192Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 04 Sep. 21, 19:02
    Sehr schön!
    #193Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 04 Sep. 21, 20:47

    I know a butcher who was jailed after contravening the sale of goods act. He told customers his sausages were 100 % beef but were later found to contain a large portion of Soya. He later said that he found it difficult to make both ends meat.

    #194Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Sep. 21, 07:58
    A guy goes to Boston on a business trip. Since he has never been there before, he wants to try the local cuisine and after some research decides the quintessential dish (after baked beans) is a seafood dish made from a young cod fish.

    As he gets into the taxi at the airport, he asks the driver, "Where can I get scrod?"

    The driver turns to look at him and replies, "You know, I have been asked that question many times and in many ways. But never before in the pluperfect passive."
    #195Verfasser patman2 (527865)  16 Sep. 21, 23:06

    Confucius says: it’s good for girl to meet boy in park but it’s better for boy to park meat in girl.

    #196Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Sep. 21, 15:51
    Oh mein Gott ist der geschmacklos. 🤣
    #197Verfasser tigger (236106) 17 Sep. 21, 18:48
    Geil, oder?
    #198Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Sep. 21, 19:02

     Delighted to announce that I have won a Drinking Milk Like A Cat competition! Just doing a lap of honour. 

    #199Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 19 Sep. 21, 12:25
    In addition to all other Brexit related shortages there's now also a sperm shortage in the UK, as all wankers are panic-buying petrol ...
    #200Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 25 Sep. 21, 23:09

    -How many translators does it take to change a lightbulb?

    -It depends on the context.

    #201Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 30 Sep. 21, 12:06

    Robin tells Batman that he couldn't start the Batmobile. Batman asks if he checked the battery, and Robin replies "what's a tery?"


    Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

    Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

    #202Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Okt. 21, 11:54

    Ergänzung zu #200:

    What's the difference between petrol and fuel?

    There is no F in petrol.

    #203VerfasserPeterK. (599041) 13 Okt. 21, 10:27

    The sergeant SCREAMS into the recruit's face: "DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE??!??!?"

    The recruit shouts back: "No, SAH, I came here yesterday!!!"

    #204Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Okt. 21, 16:07

    Like in the Jewish joke from the Austro-Hungarian empire:

    Recruit Kohn! Why should a soldier always be ready to die for emperor and fatherland?

    Indeed, corporal, sir, why should he!

    #205Verfasser mbshu (874725) 13 Okt. 21, 16:18

    Just changed my WiFi user name to Drug Squad Surveillance Vehicle to stress the local dealers.

    #206Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Okt. 21, 16:26

    #204: I guess the recruit's Australian?

    #207Verfasser JanZ (805098) 13 Okt. 21, 16:47


    #208Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Okt. 21, 16:59

    I know a man who lost his left arm. Now his right arm is left.

    #209Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Okt. 21, 07:56
    So if he ever loses his right leg, we can only hope his left leg will be all right...
    #210Verfasser erasmus (723849)  16 Okt. 21, 13:40

    Right, the only right left to those who write left is the right to write left. That's not right, right?

    #211Verfasser dirk (236321) 18 Okt. 21, 10:22

    (In David Tennant's voice) "Aaah, there he is, my old nemesis, David Lanndlord!"

    #212Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 27 Okt. 21, 15:27

    If you do not know what to wear to your premature-ejaculation support group - just come in your pants.

    #213Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Okt. 21, 13:39


    So ... this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere

    That’s it...

    That’s the whole fucking joke.



    What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

    Premature e-jack-o'-lantern.



    Hey, life is short. Don't waste time with superfluous sayings like "prematurely ejaculate".

    Instead, just try "ejacuearly".

    #214VerfasserBraunbärin (757733) 31 Okt. 21, 13:55
    #215Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Okt. 21, 14:06

    If you identify a UFO as as UFO, it automatically becomes a FO. Unless it has landed, in which case it has become an O.

    #216Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Nov. 21, 12:17

    I asked the baker "How come all your cakes are 50 p, but that one over there's 1 Pound?"

    He replied "That Madeira cake ..."

    #217Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Nov. 21, 14:04

    the "madeira" pun I don't get.

    and to #206:

    Change your WiFi name to "Gates' 5G Corona Tower" and set the signal strength to max -- give the tinfoil caps their raison d'etre for the day!

    #218VerfasserAuerhähnchen (1341788) 15 Nov. 21, 20:35
    That's my dearer cake ;-)
    #219Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Nov. 21, 21:10

    What type of clothing does a house usually wear?

    A dress

    #220Verfasser Wik (237414) 15 Nov. 21, 22:25

    Imagine you'd get dressed in a large house but never in the dressing room!

    That's the fate of the salad.

    #221Verfasser mbshu (874725) 15 Nov. 21, 22:30

    Why did the tomato turn red?

    Because it saw the salad dressing.


    The more you drink, the WC.

    #222Verfasser JanZ (805098)  15 Nov. 21, 22:35

    It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said "Built in Antenna".

    I don't even know where that is!

    #223Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 15 Nov. 21, 23:05

    Must be some kind of satellite state!

    #224Verfasser mbshu (874725) 16 Nov. 21, 06:21

    New advances in cypher-breaking:

    Cummiculeal cryptoanalysis -- beat the password out of somebody with a rubber hose.

    Plumbotibial cryptoanalysis -- same, but with a lead pipe.

    Ferruminarectal cryptoanalysis -- grab someone who knows the encription's password and stick a soldering iron up their arse until they start talking.

    Thermoferruminarectal cryptoanalysis -- same, but the soldering iron is (slowly) broght up to operating temperature.

    #225VerfasserAuerhähnchen (1341788) 17 Nov. 21, 11:30

    "Mom, where are the Virgin Islands?"

    "I'm not sure, but probably some distance from the Isle of Man."

    #226Verfasser frischwasser (689006) 17 Nov. 21, 14:35

    I'm certain that solar power is the future...

    but the transition won't happen overnight

    #227Verfasser Wik (237414) 17 Nov. 21, 16:50

    I found an old packet of Viagra at the back of the closet the other day, but the damn things didn´t work!

    Turned out that they're past their swell by date ...

    #228Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Nov. 21, 20:12

    Yesterday, when I entered a restaurant, a clown held the door open for me. That was a nice jester.

    #229Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Nov. 21, 10:21

    What do you call a seabird that's quite happy with its assigned sex?

    A cistern.

    #230Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 18 Nov. 21, 20:24
    Last February my local outdoor shop sold collapsible shelters at reduced prices. It was the winter of their discount tents.
    #233Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 26 Nov. 21, 22:48

    (The upcoming winter will be the winter of my discontent.)

    #234Verfasser RenaRd (907225)  27 Nov. 21, 14:38
    I put up a collapsible shelter, adorned it with colourful lamps and flashlights and played loud funky music. This is the winter of my disco tent.
    #235Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  27 Nov. 21, 15:32

    Groan … Enough with the puns already, I beg of you.

    I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.

    #236Verfasser Carullus (670120) 28 Nov. 21, 11:15

    "Enough with the puns already, I beg of you."

    Over my cold dead body ;-)

    #237Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Nov. 21, 11:22

    I remember the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

    They were: "Hey, how far do you think I can kick that bucket?"

    #238Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Nov. 21, 11:34

    Erinnert mich an Werner in Comic, dem der ölige Verkäufer erlaubt, den Treteimer auszuprobieren ...

    Sorry I have no idea for a Pflichtwitz right now. I have to ask Pun Kowalski!

    #239Verfasser mbshu (874725) 28 Nov. 21, 12:19

    Kein Witz, sondern eine wahre Geschichte mit pun.

    ( Commer = ein 15ctw truck der britischen Armee, WW II):

    Einer dieser Lkw war in einen Graben gerutscht. Der jüngste Soldat wurde zum nächsten Telefon geschickt, um den Unfall zu melden. Der Soldat formulierte gegenüber dem ihm in gegenseitiger Abneigung verbundenen Unteroffizier vom Dienst so:

    "The Commer's come to a full stop"...

    #240Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 01 Dez. 21, 08:17

    Ich stehe auf dem Schlauch. Erklärt mir bitte jemand, wo in #240 ein pun zu finden ist? Eventuell ist es eine Anspielung auf Komma und Punkt, aber wieso zeigt das die gegenseitige Abneigung des Soldaten und des Unteroffiziers.

    Außerdem: Wofür steht ctw?

    #241Verfasser harambee (91833) 01 Dez. 21, 11:07

    Wenn man den Text diktiert bekommt ist man vermutlich versucht „comma“ und „full stop“ als die jeweiligen Satzzeichen zu schreiben …

    Doctor, I can’t stop singing “The Green Green Grass of Home.”

    He says “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

    “Is it common?” I asked.

    “It’s not unusual” he replied.

    #242Verfasser Carullus (670120) 01 Dez. 21, 11:38

    Danke, Carullus, so langsam dämmert mir, wie es gemeint sein könnte.

    #243Verfasser harambee (91833) 01 Dez. 21, 12:08

    Entschuldigung für meinen Schreibfehler in #240:

    Richtig ist cwt (hundredweight).

    #244Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 01 Dez. 21, 12:18

    Danke, wienergriessler, das kannte ich auch nicht, aber das konnte ich immerhin nachschlagen (-:

    #245Verfasser harambee (91833) 01 Dez. 21, 13:00

    No. 240 reminds me of the old joke in the British army:

    Private, where's the Duke of Richmond?

    I'm afraid I can't tell you, colonel, sir, I'm a teetotaller!

    #246Verfasser mbshu (874725) 01 Dez. 21, 13:11

    Ich gestehe, dass ich weder 240 noch 246 verstehe ....

    #247Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 01 Dez. 21, 13:14

    #247 Ich nehme an, der Soldat hält "Duke of Richmond" für den Namen eines Pubs oder für die Marke eines alkoholischen Getränks.

    #248Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 01 Dez. 21, 13:17

    No. 246 ff.: In der Tat, Möwe. Es ist ein typischer Name für einen Pub - aber es gibt eben auch jeweils einen lebenden Menschen, der so heißt ...

    No. 240: Der Soldat formuliert den Satz absichtlich so, daß der Uffz denkt, es gehe um Komma und Punkt statt um ein liegengebliebenes Gefährt.

    Dafür verstehe ich die No. 242 nicht, vermutlich wg. fehlender Textkenntnis.

    #249Verfasser mbshu (874725)  01 Dez. 21, 13:40

    Puha, da fiel der Groschen aber in Zeitlupe ...

    #250Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 01 Dez. 21, 13:42

    mbshu - "It's not unusual" ist ein Lied von Tom Jones.

    #251Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 01 Dez. 21, 13:44

    Danke Dir! Ich hätte das Tom Jones-Syndrom eher mit langen Romanen assoziiert, über die man nidht Feldstudien, sondern Fielding studies schreibt ...

    #252Verfasser mbshu (874725)  01 Dez. 21, 13:49

    Ich zitiere mal zu #240 die Quelle; wer Spaß an solchen Sprüchen hat, kann vielleicht wie ich folgende Autobiographie preiswert antiquarisch auftreiben ( ich habe 2,40€ bezahlt):

    Frank Muir, A Kentish Lad

    #253Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 01 Dez. 21, 14:00

    Yesterday I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I discovered that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

    #254Verfasser Carullus (670120)  02 Dez. 21, 14:16
    Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says "Did you see that?"
    "No" the second guy says.
    "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead" the first guy says.
    "Oh" says the second guy.
    A couple of minutes later, The first guy says "Did you see that?"
    "See what?" the second guy asks.
    "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
    A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
    By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says "Yes, I did!"
    And the first guy says "Then why did you step in it?"
    #255Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 05 Dez. 21, 11:17

    I am the Ghost of Christmas Future Imperfect Conditional. I bring news of what would have been going to happen if you were not to have been going to change your ways.

    #256Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  08 Dez. 21, 17:47

    Deleted, falscher Faden.

    #257Verfasser Leonhard <de> (608265)  08 Dez. 21, 20:13

    Before it was carved, the natural beauty of mount rushmore was unpresidented.

    #258Verfasser heco (236172) 10 Dez. 21, 20:40
    Nicking that ...
    #259Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 10 Dez. 21, 20:42

    A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the M4.

    Motorists have been asked to keep a lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

    #260Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643)  18 Dez. 21, 02:37

    The year Santa hired a consultant

    All Snowmen wil be referred to as "Snowperson", all reindeers as "air freight specialists", and all elves as "Santa's size-challenged assistants".

    #261Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 18 Dez. 21, 17:32
    How does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker will be getting for Christmas?

    He has felt his presents ...
    #262Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Dez. 21, 17:52

    Forget the Past: It is Gone!

    Forget the Future: It does not Exist!

    Forget the Presents: I did not get you Any!!

    #263Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643)  18 Dez. 21, 19:05
    I was driving down the road the other day when a huge crow slammed into my windshield and broke its neck. It was stuck there on the windshield blocking my view. There was a cop behind me and I felt a little nervous with a dead crow blocking my view, so I turned on the windshield wipers. The dead bird flew straight up and over my car and landed on the cops windshield. His lights suddenly came on. I pulled over and the cop starts to write me a ticket. When I asked him what the ticket was for, he said "Flippin' me the bird."
    #264Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 20 Dez. 21, 07:16

    My kids really want to get a dog for Christmas.

    whatever makes them happy, I guess, but usually we get a turkey…

    #265Verfasser Wik (237414) 22 Dez. 21, 09:38

    "Online dating is tough. Every time i met someone new, they end up in jail."

    Hannah, 11

    My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. -

    Instead I just swam for the surface. 

    I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea. -

    They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.

    #266VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 23 Dez. 21, 13:49

    They say, if I don't get along with people, I should write them letters and then burn them. I did that; what should I do with the letters?

    #267Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 23 Dez. 21, 13:54

    Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

    The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

    The second responds, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."

    The third surgeon replies, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them are in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. No guts, no heart, no spine, and head and ass are interchangeable."

    #268Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 23 Dez. 21, 14:22

    A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

    The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

    He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

    "Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

    #269Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 23 Dez. 21, 14:23

    A  man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

    “Sure do,” replied the bartender.

    “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator”.

    #270Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 25 Dez. 21, 10:58

    What someone from Yorkshire says when Jacob is not on time
    #271Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  26 Dez. 21, 12:02

    A toast on local management hierarchies:

    During the mesozoic era, a diplodocus roamed the Earth.

    Now think of that 40 meter giant and a cat-sized predator taking a bite out of the tip of the giant's tail. The pain signal ran from tail to the head at about 80 m/s (by the way, this specific velocity didn't really change much through all of evolution). So half a second later the pain signal arrived. A second more passed to make the decision to take a look. The really long neck curved around a bit to rotate the head enough to be able to see the tail at all. That took another second. Seeing and recognizing the small predator as the cause for the hurt tail and making the decision to swipe said tail to squash the annoyance took another second. The signal to the tail tip's muscles had to travel the same 40 meters, taking another half second. So from the bite to the tail-whip, 4 seconds to react. That was enough time for the small predator to finish the first bite, take another and dodge the tail. Given that the tail-whip was the diplodocus' default reaction anyway, that whole signal and decision chain was mostly a waste of time.

    So did the diplodocus walk around with a bloodied and bitten tail tip? No way! The evolution saw fit to evolve a secondary decision-making unit. It was by no means a second brain, just an extra slub of nerve cells at the end of the spinal cord and with the size of a walnut; it sat right where the diplodocus body ended and the tail began, i.e. at the ass. Now the whole "tail hurts" to "tail-whip" process took roughly a second. This certainly means that decisions were maid by the ass of the dino, but that was a necessary trade-off.

    So if you happen to work with a really large enterprise, be ready to accept that issues which are solved at the head office take years. The cost-effective way usually involves your ass of the diplodocus.

    #272Verfasser JaLeTe (1335919) 26 Dez. 21, 19:53
    What is the difference between being hungry and being horny?

    The place where you put the cucumber
    #273Verfasser musicorn (1345605)  04 Jan. 22, 13:45

    Everytime I use my step ladder, I yell "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!!"

    #274Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 04 Jan. 22, 16:48
    Where did Sally go during the bombing?

    #275Verfasser musicorn (1345605) 06 Jan. 22, 21:46

    Did you know that Lady Di was on the radio the night she dies?

    What?? REALLY?

    Yeah, on the radio. And the steering wheel, the dash board, everywhere ...

    #276Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 07 Jan. 22, 07:33

    So far to poor taste. 🙁

    #277Verfasser RenaRd (907225) 08 Jan. 22, 14:17

    RenaRd: Is that a wordly oversetting of "So viel zum Thema schlechter Geschmack"?

    (Whereby me 275 and 276 also to far go. One can all overdrive.)

    #278Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917)  08 Jan. 22, 15:06

    Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einer Schule und Lidl?

    Lidl lohnt sich.

    Ups, falscher Faden!

    What is the difference between a school and Tesco?

    Not much, rich selection of vegetables in both!

    Better bad taste as gar keinen!

    #279Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643)  08 Jan. 22, 15:17

    Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.

    Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?" "Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible." "Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

    But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"

    "Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs". Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward.

    "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

    "Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete cock."

    #280Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 11 Jan. 22, 10:33
    How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a factory worker? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
    #281Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Jan. 22, 19:44

    *gnihihi* (says this chemist...)

    #282Verfasser virus (343741) 15 Jan. 22, 20:26

    What do you call a man with no torso and an olfactory organ?

    Nobody nose ...

    I'll see myself out.


    Why do riot police have to get up early?

    To beat the crowd ...

    #283Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  21 Jan. 22, 07:57
    Nurse: "Have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?"

    Me: "No, I've always dressed this way."
    #284Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 21 Jan. 22, 09:15

    BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

    #285Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 26 Jan. 22, 17:12
    "What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year.
    "He's a magician" said the small boy.
    "How interesting! What's his favorite trick?"
    "Sawing people in half".
    "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
    "Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters".
    #286Verfasser Miss Anthropy (700297) 28 Jan. 22, 07:49

    Shouldn't that be TWO half-brothers, and FOUR half-sisters? Or what did they do with the other half-brother, he asked, slightly worried ...

    #287Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Jan. 22, 08:22

    The poor sod. He had moved to Halberstadt and died - from eating too much halva.

    #288Verfasser mbshu (874725) 28 Jan. 22, 08:31

    I once saw a man teaching his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. It took him only 60 minutes to go from Barking to Tooting..

    #289Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 29 Jan. 22, 16:32

    So ganz verstehe ich den nicht... Aber aus dem Kontext rate ich mal, dass Barking und Tooting Stadtteile von London sind, die mit der Underground etwa 1 Stunde voneinander entfernt sind. Richtig?

    #290Verfasserm.dietz (780138) 31 Jan. 22, 07:28

    Genau so! (Und ja, im Witz hieß es: 30 Minuten; ich habe ihn auf die Realität etwas angepasst -eigentlich sind es meist 66 Minuten🙂 )

    #291Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 31 Jan. 22, 07:47

    The only reason his wife has an orgasm is so she'll have something else to moan about.

    #292Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 08 Feb. 22, 11:40

    Before was was was was was is.


    Darling, why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

    Well, you're never there, sweetheart ...

    #293Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 10 Feb. 22, 08:52

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    #294Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 13 Feb. 22, 09:27

    As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

    #295Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 13 Feb. 22, 10:39

    I once had a girlfried who owned a parrot. Fucking thing didn't shut up. The parrot was cool, though.

    #296Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Feb. 22, 10:33

    My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

    Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

    She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

    I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

    She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

    I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

    The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

    Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

    We had to have the garage door repaired.

    The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

    He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

    We haven't used that repairman since...

    I live in a semi rural area.

    We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

    The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


    My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

    She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

    'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

    The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

    I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

    She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

    Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

    She is a government employee.....

    When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a

    service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

    We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

    As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

    ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

    His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'


    They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

    #297Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Feb. 22, 09:54

    Re #297:

    In einem anderen Forum gelesen:

    Half of our presidents have been above average.

    #298Verfasser Udo(de) (58) 18 Feb. 22, 10:20

    What do they serve at the Karma Cafe?

    Just desserts ...

    #299Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Feb. 22, 10:47

    #298: Most people have a higher-than-average number of legs ...

    #297: Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

    Really happened, not at MacD's but in burger restaurant somewhere in NM: My bill was 12.75. I handed the waiter a 20-Dollar note and said: 'Give me five back, please'. He gave me two dollars and a quarter. I said: 'No, please give me five and keep the rest as tip'. He was totally confused. He took all the money back and gave me 7.25. I kept 5, handed him 2.25 and said: 'this is for you'. Now he was satisfied ...

    #300Verfasser dirk (236321) 18 Feb. 22, 12:05

    In a supermarket I recently had to pay 15.30. I gave the cashier a 20 Euro bill and 3 10-Cent coins. The change I received (in addition to an annoyed look) was 2 2-Euro coins, my 3 10-Cent coins, a 20-Cent coin and a 50-Cent coin.

    It's not a joke, but the grim reality of life.

    And in other news:

    Yesterday I saw a microbiologist.

    He was much bigger than I expected...

    #301Verfasser Wik (237414) 18 Feb. 22, 12:38
    Have you heard of the Dalek from Devon? Whenever he was asked where exactly he came from, the answer was always "Exeter, mate, Exeter, mate!"
    #302Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Feb. 22, 15:43

    Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

    #303VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 21 Feb. 22, 12:32
    Die Diskussion zu diesem Artikel ist geschlossen.
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