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    Jokes 7 (only English, please)


    Jokes 7 (only English, please)


    Siehe auch: Jokes 6 (only English, please) - #303

    Please, only jokes in English, and no taste police, obviously. We are in the joke section for Chrissake!

    Perhaps Bubo can edit a link in his last post in the previous thread?

    A consignment of Viagra pills was stolen last night. The police are looking for hardened criminals.

    Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  21 Feb. 22, 12:41

    Why do opossums cross the road? To see their flatmates.

    #1Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 21 Feb. 22, 16:50

    I'm currently on a seafood diet. Whenever I see food, I eat it.

    #2Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 22 Feb. 22, 08:33

    Ich würd's umdrehen: "I start eating whenever I see food". Aber klasse ist er trotzdem!

    #3Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Feb. 22, 08:43


    #4Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 22 Feb. 22, 08:55

    Zugespitzt: I never eat except when I see food.

    Bübbischen Fadendank!

    #5Verfasser mbshu (874725)  22 Feb. 22, 09:06

    Why is six afraid of seven? - Because seven ate nine.

    Why did the skeleton not cross the road? - Because he didn't have the guts.

    #6Verfasser Dr. Dark (658186) 24 Feb. 22, 11:41

    Poor Brian could never get back from school although it was just opposite his father's house, Remember, only one cross!

    #7Verfasser mbshu (874725) 24 Feb. 22, 15:34

    It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful, but is, in fact, quite drunk. ((c) Michael Marshall Smith)

    Und noch einen zum Weltfrauentag:

    International Women's Day certainly helped make me aware of how far we have to go with the issues of gender inequality and everyday sexism. I'm sure I speak on behalf of many blokes when I say that all the birds who helped organise it deserve a pat on the bottom for their efforts. (c) VIZ)

    #8Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 08 Mär. 22, 12:41

    "Hello, my name is Pandora. Welcome to my unboxing channel."

    #9Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Mär. 22, 15:10

    Why is Germany's new ruling coalition so large?

    Because it is an ample coalition.

    (c) kyle_foley

    Why did the Soviet system fail?

    Well, imagine you can have only one party, and then, it's a Communist one!

    #10Verfasser mbshu (874725)  16 Mär. 22, 09:21

    At the "Karma Café":

    "So, what's on the menu?"

    "Just desserts ..."

    #11Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Mär. 22, 17:04

    A world-famous circus is visiting the city. At the end of the strongman's performance a walnut is carried into the arena on an ornate platter. The music rises to a crescendo, the strongman whips out his member and smashes the walnut to smithereens. Applause follows.

    Twenty years later the same circus is visiting the city again. The strongman is still going strong, and the performance approaches the end. The same ornate platter is carried into the arena, but now it's holding a coconut. The undaunted strongman repeats his (in)famous feat with the coconut. Standing ovations erupt.

    The next day the local newspaper is interviewing the strongman.

    Reporter: Mr. Strongman, you have turned an already impressive feat from 20 years ago into an outright legendary performance! What's your secret?

    The strongman blushes: Well, my eyesight did take a turn for the worse -- with the walnut I'm afraid I'd miss!

    #12Verfasser JaLeTe (1335919) 22 Mär. 22, 10:18

    The Harem's Protocol prescribed what the knights in white sat in ...

    #13Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 23 Mär. 22, 10:43

    Ok, so I have tried to set up a successful company:

    First, my charter boat went under.

    Then my bra business went bust.

    I thought space travel might be great, but it didn't take off.

    Finally I wanted to get into the entertainment industry, doing a car-part-juggling act. But I just can't catch a break...

    #14Verfasser Wik (237414)  02 Apr. 22, 15:21

    Try breeding cats - then your business will go to the dogs.

    #15Verfasser mbshu (874725) 02 Apr. 22, 16:27

    Old wife to old husband:

    What do you mean, you forgot where you parked? You're shopping online!

    #16Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 07 Apr. 22, 02:28

    Man in a restaurant: “Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

    The waitress slaps his face. “The men I please are none of your damn business!”

    #17Verfasser Carullus (670120)  08 Apr. 22, 07:30

    Once I told a joke about chemistry, but there was no reaction.

    #18VerfasserRoach (862331) 08 Apr. 22, 07:36

    What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

    The cowboy kann shoot, but cannot hit.

    #19Verfasser Carullus (670120) 08 Apr. 22, 07:48

    In Turkisch, the bird we call Turkey is called Hindi (from India).

    In India, it's called Peru*.

    In Arabic, it's called Greek Chicken.


    In French, it's called Indian Chicken (poule d'inde-> dinde)


    The bird is indigenous to none of these places

    *So do we call it too in Brazil

    #20Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 10 Apr. 22, 12:49

    Sad story at KFC or the like:

    Chicken lost job

    Chicken is broke

    Chicken strips $ 3.79

    @CARIOCA # 20

    RE: The bird is indigenous to none of these places

    Wie jeder Asterix-gebildete Leser weiß, kommt er aus Nordamerika. Wahrscheinlich teilt er das etymologische Schicksal mit den Indianern.

    #21Verfasser judex (239096)  10 Apr. 22, 15:44

    @judex: nein. Laut Tante Wiki Spanisch:

    "Später, im Jahr 1498, brachten die Spanier die Hausputen - die so genannten gallinas de Indias - nach Europa mit und begannen, sie zu züchten, zunächst in Spanien und dann in anderen Ländern.

    Unter Indias Occidentales waren die hellgrünen Länder auf der Karte zu verstehen.

    Por User:Maulucioni, trabajo propio pero derivado de otro de User:Deepak - Wikipedia en español., Domínio público, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?cur...

    #22Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 10 Apr. 22, 21:19

    Aber ist das nicht das gleiche Missverständnis wie bei den Indianern? Man dachte doch man sei am Ostende von Indien.

    #23Verfasser judex (239096) 10 Apr. 22, 22:26

    Ich will das Thema im Witzefaden nicht unnötig ausdehnen, aber ja, das UR-Missverständnis bei der Landung Columbus war, dass man dachte, man sei am Ostende von Indien. Die Benennung blieb aber hängen!


    #24Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  11 Apr. 22, 15:36

    What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits?

    A hare dresser.

    Frohe Ostern allen Mitlesenden!

    #25Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573)  14 Apr. 22, 08:20

    Question for "Russia Today": Is it true that the Russian flagship MOSKWA was sunk by missile hits?

    Answer: In principle, no. The extremely wise and prudent supreme leader Putin has determined that the ship be run as a submarine.

    #26VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 14 Apr. 22, 08:51

    Hui, der ist böse 😂

    #27Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Apr. 22, 08:54




    #28Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 16 Apr. 22, 12:09

    I’ve always hated vacuuming the whole house. I did become unbearable when my wife started to call me Dyson Fury.

    #29Verfasser Wik (237414)  16 Apr. 22, 14:39

    I’m not saying I’m attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom…I turn the shower on.

    #30Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 16 Apr. 22, 14:54

    Mozart comes to heaven. God welcomes him and says: "You are going to be the conductor of my celestial orchestra".

    Mozart says: "Thank you, God, that is a great honor. But what about Bach?"

    God responds: "I am Bach".

    #31Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 16 Apr. 22, 20:34

    I took up a new job on a construction site, but found I wasn't strong enough for the job, so I gave them my too weak notice.

    #32Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 19 Apr. 22, 16:11

    In a transatlantic cruise, an English passenger is put together with a French one on the same table for all meals. They do not understand a word of each other's language.

    When they sit down for the first meal, the French says "Bon appétit!", the English thinks he's introducing himself and answers accordingly, "Thomas Blake".

    Next meal, same thing: the French says "Bon Appétit!", the English thinks "Why is he introducing himself again?" but he goes along, "Thomas Blake".

    Five more such meals ensue, and it gets too much for the English, who goes to talk to the attendant:

    "Mister, this cruise is being really wonderful, but I have only one complaint. I was put at the same table as a gentleman who seems to be rather off his rocker, a certain Mr. Bon Appétit, who must introduce himself at every meal!"

    Very amused, the attendant explains to the English that the French is being polite, "Bon Appétit means "have a good meal".

    Thus enlightened, the English gets wise. At the next meal, no sooner the French is about to make his wish, the English talks first, pronouncing as best he can: "Bon appétit!"

    The French, very delighted by the Englishman's courtesy, gets up and makes his wish as best he can too: "Thomas Blake!"

    #33Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 20 Apr. 22, 15:02

    Ohne jemanden was vorzuwerfen... der Witz ist als "Bon Appetit" "Kowalski" ein Klassiker von Dieter Krebs (Serie "Sketchup" Mitte bis Ende der 1980er Jahre)

    #34Verfasserm.dietz (780138)  21 Apr. 22, 07:21

    Hier noch die Fassung für die gehobenen Stände:

    Auf der Diplomatenjagd steht ein Franzose neben einem Deutschen in der Schützenreihe. Als ein Fasan anfliegt, ruft der Franzose dem Deutschen zu: "Tire haut!". Der, verduzt, kann damit nichts anfangen und der Fasan fliegt davon. Das Spiel wiederholt sich noch zweimal, als der Deutsche sieht, dass sich ein Fasan im Unterholz dem Franzosen nähert, ein "Fußgänger", wie man unter Jägern auch sagt. Im Glauben seine Lektion gelernt zu haben, ruft der Deutsche:"Tire haut zu Fuß!"..

    #35Verfasser judex (239096) 21 Apr. 22, 08:54
    If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie "Up", he will refuse, because he will never give you up. In doing so, he will, however, also let you down, thus creating the so-called "Astley-Paradoxon".
    #36Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Apr. 22, 06:36

    My coworker got a job at a neighbouring farm. He is now a pigorker.

    #37Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 22 Apr. 22, 12:41

    No. 34: Und der Witz hatte schon damals einen Bart.

    #38Verfasser mbshu (874725) 22 Apr. 22, 13:30

    Wie nennt man einen Anwalt für Genderfragen? Innenverteidiger.

    #39Verfasser Carullus (670120) 22 Apr. 22, 14:21

    Oder ganz korrekt: :innenverteidiger.

    #40Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 22 Apr. 22, 15:03

    This morning I went to my premature ejaculation support group. Turns out, it's tomorrow.

    #41Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 26 Apr. 22, 10:53

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.


    Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    #42Verfasser judex (239096)  26 Apr. 22, 11:02

    What do you call someone who is sick at the airport?

    A person with a terminal illness.

    #43Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 26 Apr. 22, 12:25

    Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!

    Lukily my injuries were only

    super fish oil.

    #44Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 26 Apr. 22, 14:24

    Ich habe gerade gesehen, dass ich einen deutschen Witz "Jokes (only English, please)" gepostet habe. Das tut mir leid. Daher, zum Thema passend, noch einmal auf Englisch:

    Note: The Procrastinators Anonymous Meeting Has Been Postponed Indefinitely.

    #45Verfasser Carullus (670120) 26 Apr. 22, 14:25

    The Alcoholics Anonymous meetings will be discontinued due to an apparent lack of demand. There were no attendees ever, as proven by the name lists.

    #46Verfasser mbshu (874725) 26 Apr. 22, 17:35

    What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

    One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

    #47Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Apr. 22, 08:56

    What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.

    And a slightly longer one:

    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50 (two for £3.50), while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75. These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

    #48Verfasser Carullus (670120)  28 Apr. 22, 09:59

    What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone


    #49Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  28 Apr. 22, 10:03

    A last one, heard from a coworker: Today, my wife tried to take a picture of herself in the shower, but it was too blurry. She clearly has selfie steam issues …

    #50Verfasser Carullus (670120) 28 Apr. 22, 11:08

    Dad joke vom feinsten!

    #51Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Apr. 22, 11:18
    Dann besser mit "my daughter", oder?
    #52Verfasser tigger (236106) 28 Apr. 22, 11:46

    A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... “Are you the friar?” he asked. The brother replied “No. I'm the chip monk.”

    To keep the balance between BE/AE, here is a second one:

    Why have Republicans in Congress proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country? They want to Make America Grate Again.

    PS: Will not apologize for Dad jokes :-)

    #53Verfasser Carullus (670120)  29 Apr. 22, 12:00

    Please note: the meeting of the Clairvoyants Society has been postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.

    #54Verfasser amw (532814) 02 Mai 22, 13:30

    If live gives you melons … you're probably dyslexic.

    #55Verfasser Carullus (670120) 03 Mai 22, 11:02

    The Anonymous Debtors' meeting needs to be reconvened at a different location due to differences with the former landlord.

    #56Verfasser mbshu (874725) 03 Mai 22, 12:16

    Re 55: Dyslexics of the world, untie!

    #57Verfasser Udo(de) (58) 03 Mai 22, 12:37

    I have sex daily.

    Sorry, dyslexia

    #58VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 03 Mai 22, 14:51

    Den hab ich zwar schon gebracht, aber er ist trotzdem klasse:

    "I've been sexually active since 12. Now it's 12.30 and my right hand is killing me ..."

    #59Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 03 Mai 22, 14:52

    "Dad, can I ask you something? Why do all women hate spiders?"

    "Oh, it's pure envy. Spiders have eight legs."

    "Uhh... So what?"

    "Yeah right. They can wear four pairs of shoes at the same time!"

    #60VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 03 Mai 22, 15:20

    Den mit den Enzymen und den Hormonen (#48) kapier ich nicht :-(

    #61Verfasser grinsessa (1265817) 03 Mai 22, 15:47

    "hormone" klingt so ähnlich wie "whore moan" ...

    #62Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 03 Mai 22, 15:55

    Putin was elected for four years.

    A pope is elected for life.

    Putin has already met with three popes.

    #63VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 04 Mai 22, 11:00

    Putin: "Listen, all I want is peace."

    Pope: "Really?"

    Putin: "Yeah, a piece of Ukraine."

    #64VerfasserBubo bubo (830116)  04 Mai 22, 12:23

    There is a horse. The horse says “I don't think.” and disappears. Obviously this is a reference to the Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am“ — but if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

    #65Verfasser Carullus (670120) 04 Mai 22, 12:52

    A Swiss man looking for directions pulls up at a bus stop, where two Englishmen are waiting.

    Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?” he asks. The two Englishmen stare at him blankly.

    Excusez-moi, parlez-vous Français?” They continue to stare.

    Parlare Italiano?” Silence.

    ¿Hablan ustedes Español?” Still no response.

    Visibly annoyed, the Swiss guy drives off. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Well, maybe we too should learn a foreign language …” “Why?” says the other. “That bloke spoke four languages, and it didn't do him any good.”

    #66Verfasser Carullus (670120) 04 Mai 22, 13:07

    If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


    If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness.

    #67Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  04 Mai 22, 13:14

    Border police checker at Moscow airport: "Name?"

    "Putin, Vladimir"




    "No no, just for a holiday trip."

    #68VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 04 Mai 22, 14:48

    #62: Danke. Ich habe es mir sogar laut vorgesagt, aber darauf bin ich nicht gekommen.

    #69Verfasser grinsessa (1265817) 04 Mai 22, 15:03

    Eavesdropped telephone conversation between Selensky and Putin:

    Hey, wanna hear a joke?

    Go ahead


    I don't get it

    That's right... bitch. You don't.

    #70VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 04 Mai 22, 15:34

    How do you politely decline a cup of tea offered by Putin?

    Thank you, no. I have a polonium-210 allergy.

    #71VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 04 Mai 22, 16:14

    What do you call an Arab who sells dairy products?

    Milk sheik ...


    Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

    #72Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  05 Mai 22, 10:26

    I love my people. Can you hear them shouting outside? They all want to have sex with me!

    Hmm... Mr. President, excuse me... I think Fuck Putin means something else.

    #73VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 05 Mai 22, 11:20

    Can February March?

    No, but April May.

    #74Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 05 Mai 22, 15:13

    Putin consults a gypsy fortune teller:

    "What will be in the near future?"

    She peers intently into her crystal ball.

    "I see you.... in a limousine... people are rejoicing, cheering and dancing in the street."

    "And... I wave to them graciously?"

    "Wait.... Uhh, no.... the coffin is closed"

    #75VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 05 Mai 22, 17:20

    How does a rabbi make his coffee? He brews it.

    Why should you never date a tennis player? Because they have fuzzy balls – and love means nothing to them.

    #76Verfasser Carullus (670120) 05 Mai 22, 18:04

    "Whenever I am in Ukraine, I speak as little Russian as possible."

    "Why, are you afraid of being beaten up by Ukrainians?"

    "Nah, not so much that. But I am terrified that then Putin will come and save me."

    #77VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 06 Mai 22, 08:53

    How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb? None, as the Russians prefer to remain in the dark. Also, it's not a lightbulb change, it’s a “special electrical operation”.

    Today our network admin asked me to choose a new password with exactly eight characters. So I put in "SnowWhiteAndThe7Dwarves".

    #78Verfasser Carullus (670120)  10 Mai 22, 08:47

    Supplementary to #75

    Putin consults the fortune teller once more. He asks her: "How long will I live?" The fortune teller replied, "I can't be too specific, but I know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday." "Can you be a little more specific about which holiday?" asked Putin. "Well..... the day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday." 

    #79VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 10 Mai 22, 09:05

    People who do not use punctuation deserve a long sentence!

    #80Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 10 Mai 22, 10:29

    re the 05 May 2022 groaner:

    For the sake of historical correctness I have to insist "that the final destination of the Titanic was in fact New York (not Vera Cruz, Mexico), the great ship was carrying no jars of mayonnaise among its cargo, and Hellman’s brand mayonnaise was not sold or manufactured in England until fifty years after the Titanic‘s ill-fated voyage"! (Q) ;-)

    #81Verfasser Bambam (48248) 10 Mai 22, 11:12

    But, in a joke about mayo, why would one insist to ketchup with the facts?

    #82Verfasser mbshu (874725) 10 Mai 22, 12:12

    @ Bubb #80

    Like Caesar or T. Mann 😉

    #83Verfasser judex (239096) 10 Mai 22, 12:18

    How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb? None, as the Russians prefer to remain in the dark.

    Putin is planning to build a Russian base on the moon. Astronauts will move there for good. At a press conference, a reporter asks the astronauts if they really want to spend the rest of their lives in a “cold, lifeless” place. The astronauts respond: “No, this is why we are moving to the moon”.

    #84VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 10 Mai 22, 15:43

    Three quick ones:

    I almost froze to death at -273 °C. But I'll be 0K.

    I’ve seen the numbers 1-10 written in French thousands of times. But I’ve only seen 11 once.

    What does the H in America stand for? Healthcare.

    #85Verfasser Carullus (670120) 13 Mai 22, 20:06

    An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scotsman, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, an Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub …

    The doorman stops them and says “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

    #86Verfasser Carullus (670120) 16 Mai 22, 09:29

    How many Russian soldiers does it take to take Kyiv?

    You don’t know?

    It’s ok. Even Putin hasn’t figured it out yet.

    #87VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 17 Mai 22, 14:00

    What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River.

    #88Verfasser Carullus (670120) 18 Mai 22, 08:20

    Autsch, der hat einen Moment gedauert.

    #89Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Mai 22, 08:28

    Justin Timberlake visits the Ukraine. Where does he visit first? Crimea River.

    Siehe auch: to cry so. a river

    The phrase “cry me a river” is a sarcastic way to tell someone their whining, complaints, or tears fall on unsympathetic ears.

    Maybe it fits in German with "heul mir die Ohren voll" ?

    #90VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 18 Mai 22, 09:09

    "heul doch" oder vielleicht auch "heul leiser".

    Aber ich hatte den Witz schon verstanden, es dauerte nur etwas länger ;-)

    #91Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  18 Mai 22, 09:19

    #90 Danke für die Erklärung!

    #92Verfasser Daja (356053) 18 Mai 22, 11:01

    "Georgia on My Mind" is a 1930 song written by Hoagy Carmichael

    Ray Charles interpreted this ballad in 1960, Putin 2022.

    #93VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 18 Mai 22, 15:46

    In many multi-lingual parts of the world, it’s not uncommon for regulations to require that road signs be printed in two or more languages. But mistakes — sometimes highly embarrassing ones — can result when those who prepare such signs aren’t themselves fluent in all the languages they incorporate.

    Such was the case with a sign installed in the Morriston community of Swansea, Wales, intended to keep drivers of trucks heavily laden with goods from using a road near an Asda store with a warning rendered in both English and Welsh:

    The local authority e-mailed its in-house translation service for the Welsh version of

    "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only.'”

    After recieving the reply, it proceeded to have the sign made and installed. A few weeks later, Welsh-speaking drivers began to call up to point out that the Welsh reads...

    "! am currently out of the office. Please submit any work to the translation team".



    #94Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 21 Mai 22, 21:47

    I think I saw somewhere in the web a picture of a neon light with Thai letters on the top and "Translation server error" as the bottom part.

    #95Verfasserm.dietz (780138) 23 Mai 22, 11:27

    Eavesdropped telephone conversation between Biden and Putin:

    Hey, Vladi! Wanna hear a joke?

    Sure, go ahead.

    Big Mac.

    I don't get it.

    That's right... bitch. You don't.

    #96VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 23 Mai 22, 12:24

    I´m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. I just had a tasty leg of Salmon and I feel fine.

    #97Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 23 Mai 22, 18:09

    #97 Nothing wrong with a delicious bit of salmon ham, IMHO ;)

    #96 Slightly disturbing that Biden calls Putin "bitch"... I mean (and excuse my language), motherfucker, idiot, bastard,.... but maybe that's part of the joke???

    Mandatory joke:

    Juries in the Cork City Court of Law have traditionally been rather special in their "judgements":

    Judge: "Jury, what is your verdict?"

    Jury Foreman: "Your honour, the jury finds the accused guilty on all charges."

    Judge: "Amazing, the accused has been, as the evidence states, 120 miles away from the crime in police custody. How could he then, in your opinion, have committed the crime?"

    Jury Foreman: " Your honour, we have taken all this into account, but the Jury agreed that the accused is the person who was rude to my cousin in St. Mary's after mass in June of last year, so evidently he's a bad person, and therefore guilty!"

    #98Verfasser Wik (237414) 23 Mai 22, 19:42

    Some lighter stuff (in all meanings of the phrase):

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy – the other's a little lighter.

    Dad, dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

    #99Verfasser Carullus (670120)  24 Mai 22, 08:55

    I am currently rereading the Harry Potter series. I found the first four books quite lighthearted. But the fifth one? Dead Sirius.

    #100Verfasser Carullus (670120) 31 Mai 22, 09:09

    Lupin: Harry, I'm leaving Hogwarts!

    Harry: Are you f*cking serious???

    Lupin: How did you find out about Sirius and me?

    #101Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Mai 22, 09:12

    My wife got me a jar of dirt for my birthday. I appreciated the sediment.

    Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it quickly becomes a soap opera.

    What's a nuclear physicist's favourite food? Fission chips!

    What pronouns does chocolate use? Her/she.

    Looks like I completely misunderstood Pride Month … Anybody in the market for half a dozen lions?

    #102Verfasser Carullus (670120)  31 Mai 22, 19:41

    I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday. What can I say? Not a big fan.

    Who can drink five litres of petrol and not get sick? Jerry can.

    I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow. Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

    #103Verfasser Carullus (670120) 13 Jun. 22, 14:56

    Jerry can. ?? Kann mir wer helfen?

    #104Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643) 13 Jun. 22, 16:01
    #105Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Jun. 22, 16:08

    A jerrycan is a robust liquid container made from pressed steel. It was designed in Germany in the 1930s for military use to hold 20 litres of fuel, and saw widespread use by both Germany and the Allies during the Second World War.

    Mehr weiß Wikipedia


    Obligatory joke:

    The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

    #106Verfasser petewald_DE (1202508)  13 Jun. 22, 16:09

    And the closets I have been was deleting the Cookies from my browser.

    #107Verfasserm.dietz (780138) 14 Jun. 22, 06:56

    Speaking of food:

    What would termites order at a restaurant? A table for for two.

    Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

    I got robbed by six dwarves this morning – not Happy.

    #108Verfasser Carullus (670120)  14 Jun. 22, 07:30

    What's your idea of a perfect date?!?


    Other formats can be confusing.


    Weil ich gerade hier bin. Heute las ich:

    ''„Diskriminierende“ Bezeichnung" - WHO will Affenpocken umbenennen''

    Da frag ich mich wer da diskriminiert wird. Und was ist mit Schweinerotlauf?

    #109Verfasser judex (239096)  15 Jun. 22, 15:55

    Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks?


    #110Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Jun. 22, 16:00

    Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

    Ah, no it won’t. If it’s bacon, it’s already cured. And if it isn’t bacon, smoking won’t cure it 😜

    #111Verfasser Wik (237414) 15 Jun. 22, 16:12

    If you are feeling nauseous and sick and if you are sweating while filling up your car with petrol, it is very likely that you have Carownervirus.

    #112Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jun. 22, 15:25



    #113Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 22 Jun. 22, 21:45

    Ah, da geht mir ein Licht auf:

    Wick Vaporub = Vick's vapor rub

    ------------------- der Witz -------------------

    A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?"

    The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

    "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

    "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

    #114VerfasserViking_ (925763)  22 Jun. 22, 23:12

    Moshe goes to the Rabbi and complains that somebody has taken his umbrella. He thinks it could only have been somebody in his family since he's always careful when he takes it with him. So he asks the Rabbi if he can help him find the thief.

    Of course, says the Rabbi. Next Sabbath, when you all sit together and you read from the bible, read the ten commandments. When you get to "Thou shalt not steal", watch everybody's face closely. The thief will involuntarily reveal himself.

    A week later, the Rabbi asks Moshe if his trick had worked.

    Like a charm, says Moshe. I read the ten commandments, and when I got to "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I suddenly remembered where I'd left my umbrella.

    #115Verfasser Gibson (418762) 23 Jun. 22, 00:35

    A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian both wish to have their son's name after their heritage. After much argument, they decided on the name. Ravi O'Lee.

    #116Verfasser Sock5 (368799) 23 Jun. 22, 13:53

    A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?" "Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied he. She obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

    #117Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Jun. 22, 08:42

    # 117 ist so würzig wie man das vom guten Bubb erwartet.


    Andi ist neundunddreissig Jahre alt und im Unterschied zu seinen Freunden noch immer nicht unter der Haube. Eines Tages fragt ihn ein Kumpel, woran das liegt. Er erklärt:

    “Nun, wann immer ich eine Frau mit nach Hause bringe kann sie meine Mutter nicht leiden.”

    Da empfiehlt der Freund: “Weshalb probierst Du es nicht mal mit einer Frau, die wie Deine Mutter ist?”

    Drei Wochen später treffen sie sich wieder und der Freund fragt, ob es Fortschritte gab.

    “Ja”, bestätigt Andi, “ich habe eine Frau kennengelernt, die wie meine Mutter ist und ich habe sie mit nach Hause gebracht und sie haben sich verstanden.”

    Da freut sich der Kumpel: “Und ihr seid also zusammen?”

    Meint Andi: “Nein, mein Vater kann sie nicht ausstehen…”

    #118Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643)  28 Jun. 22, 12:03

    #118: Den musst du jetzt aber ins Englische übersetzen. Hier ist der English Jokes-Faden 😛

    #119Verfasser dirk (236321) 28 Jun. 22, 12:13

    Bitte sehr! Die Übersetzung alleine sorgt aus meiner Sicht schon für Erheiterung.

    Andi is thirty-nine years old and, unlike his friends, still not under the hood. One day, a buddy asks him why. He explains:

    "Well, whenever I bring a woman home she can't stand my mother."

    So the friend suggests, "Why don't you try it with a woman who is like your mother?"

    Three weeks later, they meet again and the friend asks if there has been any progress.

    "Yes," confirms Andi, "I met a woman who is like my mother and I brought her home and they got along."

    So the buddy is pleased, "And so you're together?"

    Says Andi: "No, my father can't stand her..."

    Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

    #120Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643)  28 Jun. 22, 12:24

    Schade, dass ich den mit "Amanda" schon gebracht hab.

    #121Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Jun. 22, 12:25

    Kein Witz!

    Brain cells die, hair cells die, even skin cells die,

    But fat cells must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

    #122Verfasser Masu (613197) 29 Jun. 22, 12:09

    What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love?


    Honey, I'm home!

    #123VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 29 Jun. 22, 12:46

    "Honey, why don't you tell me when you haven an orgasm?"

    "But, darling, you're never at home ..."

    #124Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Jun. 22, 13:14

    After church, Little Johnny tells his parents that they have to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

    "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

    "That's right, Johnny, I did."

    "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

    "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

    "Well, you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed because there's someone either coming or going!"

    #125Verfasser Arnold Layne (1302580) 29 Jun. 22, 16:35

    At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

    #126Verfasser Masu (613197) 29 Jun. 22, 17:20

    It will hit a stray dog, poor one 🙂

    #127Verfasser judex (239096) 29 Jun. 22, 21:44

    At weddings in our family, my aunts used to harass me by saying softly in my ear, "You'll be next!".

    Now many years have passed and we meet only at funerals. Now it's me who whispers "You'll be next!" in my aunts' ears....

    #128Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 30 Jun. 22, 20:04

    VIZ (https://viz.co.uk/) haut ja immer wieder was raus; den hier fand ich besonders gelungen:

    Carry a ten foot pole around with you everywhere you go in case you come across something that you wouldn't touch with it. Then you can say "I wouldn't touch that with this" while pointing to it, saving you having to say "a ten foot pole" all the time.

    #129Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 03 Jul. 22, 09:51

    An acquaintance of Boris bumps into him at the golf club, some years into Boris' retirement.

    Acquaintance: "Hello Boris, I haven't seen you here in a while. Do you get to play much any more."

    Boris:"No, no, no, old chap. I'm a Country Member"

    Acquaintance: "Oh yes, I remember".

    #130Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 07 Jul. 22, 12:06

    Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"

    His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

    "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

    "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

    "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word

    I am not too clear on."

    "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

    "Aplomb," My Lord.

    "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

    "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

    "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. D o you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

    "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff

    and myself much pleasure to look after them."

    "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when

    Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

    "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

    "While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

    "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself

    remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

    "That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

    "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

    "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

    THAT is aplomb."

    #131Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 08 Jul. 22, 14:24

    Vorhin im Radio gehört:

    Die Wachsfigur von Johnson ist aus dem Wachsfigurenkabinett schon entfernt worden.

    Sie steht jetzt vor dem Job Center in London.

    #132Verfasser ulinne (894128) 08 Jul. 22, 14:25

    When people are sad, I let them colour in my tattoos.

    Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

    #133Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 11 Jul. 22, 08:59

    My first day as a car salesman ...

    Customer: "Cargospace?"

    Me: "Car no do that. Car no fly ..."

    Manager: "In my office. Now!"

    #134Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 12 Jul. 22, 12:11



    #135Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 13 Jul. 22, 15:46


    #136Verfasser virus (343741) 13 Jul. 22, 16:11

    Dear people who type all in lowercase:

    We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


    Capital Letters

    #137Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Jul. 22, 09:55
    #138Verfasser mbshu (874725) 14 Jul. 22, 10:05

    Two women are chatting in an office.

    Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

    Woman 2: "Yes."

    Woman 1: "Was it good?"

    Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

    Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

    At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

    Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

    Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

    Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

    #139Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  17 Jul. 22, 12:56


    #140Verfasser Arnold Layne (1302580) 17 Jul. 22, 13:08

    Where should you go if you want to learn how to make ice cream?

    Sundae school

    #141Verfasser Wik (237414) 22 Jul. 22, 16:16
    Scrabble's all fun and games, until someone loses an i.
    #142Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 27 Jul. 22, 20:26

    Ich folge ja auf Fecesbuch unter anderem den "Very British Problems". Du wurde mir grad wieder einer ihrer "english expression - real meaning"-Sprüche hochgespült:

    "bit harsh. Translation: I’ve never been so insulted in my life."


    #143Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Jul. 22, 12:02

    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

    I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


    Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

    Because the pee is silent.


    Why did Adele cross the road?

    To say hello from the other side.

    #144Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  11 Aug. 22, 14:54


    Tsunami..............................................T is silent

    Honest..............................................H is silent

    Psychology........................................P is silent

    Knife.................................................K is silent

    Wife..................................................Husband is silent

    Class dismissed

    #145Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 15 Aug. 22, 22:55

    Wife: What is 10 years with me?

    Husband: A second.

    Wife: What is £1000 for me?

    Husband: A coin.

    Wife: OK, give me a coin!

    Husband: Wait a second.

    #146VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 17 Aug. 22, 08:58


    Tsunami..............................................T is silent

    Honest..............................................H is silent

    Psychology........................................P is silent

    Knife.................................................K is silent

    Tory Sleaze.......................................BBC is silent

    #147Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Aug. 22, 08:59

    "Oh, what a pain. Honey, please do something!"

    "Does it hurt a lot, should I bring you a beer or something else?"

    "Ohh, Ahhh, Ow!, No, that won't help... gasp, gasp.."

    "Would you like to distract yourself with a broadcast of a darts tournament?"

    (That's the reason why nobody wants midhusbands.)

    #148VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 17 Aug. 22, 12:00

    Pst, Bubb.

    A Scottish lass inquired to a man -> inquired of a man


    #149Verfasser covellite (520987) 17 Aug. 22, 13:51

    Danke, den hab ich nur schlecht geklaut ;-)

    #150Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Aug. 22, 13:59
    A joke from my English teacher at school (!):

    What is the difference between a woman who comes out of church and a woman who comes out of the bathroom?

    The woman who comes out of church has hope in the soul, the woman who comes out of the bathroom has soap in the hole.
    #151Verfasser Friedhelm D. (366844) 20 Aug. 22, 10:46

    Are monsters good at mathematics?

    Usually not, unless you count Dracula.

    #152Verfasser Wik (237414) 20 Aug. 22, 12:10
    Ivanka Trump stared into the fridge for 20 minutes, because the orange juice carton said "concentrate".
    #153Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Aug. 22, 17:38

    My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock,.

    #154Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 22 Aug. 22, 08:34

    #148 Interessant, dass Leo den Begriff midhusband - Geburts-/Entbindungshelfer nicht kennt.. läuft hier unter midwife, das würde aber den Witz witzlos machen 😉

    #155Verfasser drkimble (463961)  22 Aug. 22, 08:34

    I'm not dislexic. It's pure awthographic wizzardry.

    Oh, just activate your spell checker.

    #156Verfasser reverend (314585) 22 Aug. 22, 09:49

    What does a dyslexic, sleepless agnostic do at night? He sits in the kitchen and wonders whether there is a dog.

    #157Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Aug. 22, 10:02

    God won.

    #158Verfasser reverend (314585)  22 Aug. 22, 10:04

    Dyslexics of the world, untie!

    #159Verfasser Udo(de) (58) 22 Aug. 22, 11:07

    Procrastinators of the world, unite - tomorrow!

    #160Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Aug. 22, 11:14

    Introverts Unite! – Separately in Your Own Homes.

    #161Verfasser Carullus (670120) 22 Aug. 22, 12:44

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

    Dear Mrs. Harris:

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

    We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

    Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

    Wobei ich "Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway." nicht verstehe. Ich frag mal.

    #162Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Aug. 22, 13:50

    Er ging zum Service Desk und versuchte, eine Tüte M&Ms auf die Warteliste/Vorbestellliste zu setzen?

    #163Verfasser drkimble (463961) 22 Aug. 22, 13:58

    Eine Tüte M&Ms zurücklegen lassen?

    #164Verfasser dirk (236321) 22 Aug. 22, 14:19
    #165Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Aug. 22, 14:19

    'Hedgehogs – why can't they just share the hedge?' 

    #166Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 22 Aug. 22, 21:43

    I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.

    #167Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 24 Aug. 22, 15:15

    #166 verstehe ich übrigens nicht. Bezieht sich das auf Wörter wie "road hog" und "stage hog"?

    #168Verfasser JanZ (805098) 24 Aug. 22, 16:02
    #169Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 24 Aug. 22, 16:07

    Thank you very much!

    #170Verfasser JanZ (805098) 24 Aug. 22, 16:49

    Görnä ;-)

    #171Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 24 Aug. 22, 16:55

    Knock knock.

    Who's there? 


    Eggs who? 

    Well, eggs-cuuuuse me.

    #172VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 25 Aug. 22, 12:57

    Just read that Princess Diana's favourite Escort (nearly 40 years old) was auctioned off for 650,000 quid. Practically a snip, considering that Prince Philipp's 17-year-old escort cost him a cool 12 mil.

    #173Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Aug. 22, 16:42

    #173 Philipp or Andrew?

    #174Verfasser Wik (237414) 29 Aug. 22, 17:13

    No. 173: The difference is caused by the annual depreciation.

    #175Verfasser mbshu (874725) 29 Aug. 22, 17:33

    Will probably mean Randy Andy.

    #176VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 29 Aug. 22, 17:35

    Natürlich Andrew. Dass auch ständig die Arbeit dazwischenkommen muss ...

    #177Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Aug. 22, 19:12

    Also noch mal:

    Just read that Princess Diana's favourite Escort (nearly 40 years old) was auctioned off for 650,000 quid. Practically a snip, considering that Prince Andrew's 17-year-old escort cost him a cool 12 mil.

    Und ein neuer:

    What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

    #178Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Aug. 22, 08:19


    #179Verfasser Masu (613197) 31 Aug. 22, 09:16

    Dear people who type in all lower case:

    We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


    Capital Letters

    #180Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Aug. 22, 09:28

    äh, #137?

    #181Verfasser Bambam (48248) 31 Aug. 22, 14:40

    Und ich vermisse noch die Auflösung von #178.

    #182Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  31 Aug. 22, 14:56

    Bambam, doppelt hält besser 😉

    wienergriessler, war es denn eine Frage? Frage für einen Freund 😉

    #183Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Aug. 22, 14:57

    Ahhh 🙂

    P.S. Dein Freund hat ja wohl häufiger Fragen ...

    #184Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  31 Aug. 22, 15:03

    #182: What = 4 Buchstaben, occasionally = 12 Buchstaben, ...

    #183: war es denn eine Frage - Ui, das hat bei mir etwas gedauert...

    #185Verfasser Zugi (797273)  31 Aug. 22, 15:09

    "September" was named by an English poet, George Simpering, after he had an angry and irreconcilable falling-out with a friend:










    (c) Mitish Bruseum

    #186Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 01 Sep. 22, 10:19

    -Oh! Someone just jumped off the Pont Neuf !

    -He must be in Seine!

    #187Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 04 Sep. 22, 16:23

    Ever heard about reverse exorcism?

    It's when the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body.

    #188Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 06 Sep. 22, 15:59
    Wir sind in einem Sprachforum , aber diesen Sprachwitz hier kann ich leider nicht beschreiben, den muss man lesen:


    (Es ist nur ein Screenshot, also keine Angst vor‘m draufklicken).
    #189Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 06 Sep. 22, 18:22

    Warum genau war es nicht möglich, das abzutippen?

    Question: How big is the specific ocean?

    Answer: Can you be more pacific?

    PS: What do you get when you cut a couple of 25 cent coins in half twice, fill a pint glass half way up with them and put it in your room?

    Why – a quarter quart of quartered quarters in your quarters. of course.

    #190Verfasser Carullus (670120) 06 Sep. 22, 18:58

    Warum genau war es nicht möglich, das abzutippen?

    Weil es ohne die Zusatzinformation, dass das eine Frage in einem Forum war, etwas sinnfrei ist.

    #191Verfasser Gibson (418762) 06 Sep. 22, 19:52

    Some children from the city are on a camping trip. The mosquitos are so bad that the children have to hide under their blankets to avoid getting bitten. Then, one of them sees some fireflies and says to her friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with torches.

    Quelle: Spotlight 2/22

    #192Verfasser Arnold Layne (1302580) 08 Sep. 22, 16:19
    There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
    Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
    The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
    "Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
    Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"

    The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
    The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
    The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."
    #193Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 13 Sep. 22, 08:46

    What does the revenant of the Hunchback of Notre Dame say when he looks in a mirror? 

    Oops, a dead ringer!

    #194VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 15 Sep. 22, 14:59

    Don't tell secrets in the garden.

    The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk.

    #195Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 15 Sep. 22, 21:05

    Conspiracy theory much?

    "Meghan has called her son "Archie".

    "The Archies" were a fictional cartoon band who had a hit with "Sugar, Sugar".

    Sugar in an ingredient of lemon cake.

    Lemons taste bitter.

    Bitter is brewed by Samuel Smith.

    "The Smiths" wrote a song titled "The Queen is Dead".

    Oh God, she's so transparent!

    #196Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Sep. 22, 08:17

    "After my parents died I took help from a professional grief counsellor, he was really good and helped me well. Yesterday he died unexpectedly."

    "Oh no, how awful!"

    "Oh, I don't care."

    #197VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 20 Sep. 22, 09:21


    #198Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 20 Sep. 22, 09:29

    When you get a call says "private number", just answer with "Dave's Sperm Bank - you spank it, we bank it". They will never call you again ...

    #199Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 27 Sep. 22, 08:38

    Apparently you can't use 'beefstew' as a password.

    It is not stroganoff

    #200Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 28 Sep. 22, 14:25

    That there's only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell says something about expected passenger numbers.

    (Gerade von anderswo geklaut.)

    #201Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 28 Sep. 22, 15:00

    Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says: “You have any idea how to drive this mother?”

    Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says: “BLUBBBLUBBBLUBB …”

    #202Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Sep. 22, 10:43

    Now imagine the two of them in the tank (or the other two of them in the other tank) wearing tank tops.

    #203Verfasser mbshu (874725) 30 Sep. 22, 08:54

    You think wearing tank tops would tank the tank?

    #204Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643) 30 Sep. 22, 13:33

    Today is International Translator Day.

    How many translators does it take to change a lightbulb?



    It depends on the context.

    #205Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 30 Sep. 22, 15:53

    Why did the translator cross the road?

    Huhn knows!

    #206Verfasser mbshu (874725) 30 Sep. 22, 20:54

    Frech aus dem Internet geklaut:

    An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

    "I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

    "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

    "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

    "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

    "Wednesday," says the agent.

    Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

    "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

    The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.

    "Who the heck are you?"

    "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

    "You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

    So, the actor runs up to makeup.

    "Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

    "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

    "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

    So he dashes down to the stage.

    "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

    "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

    "Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

    So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"

    #207Verfasser heco (236172) 02 Okt. 22, 11:57

    Ali Baba:



    Your username or password is incorrect!

    Ali Baba:

    Open $e$ame?

    #208Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 03 Okt. 22, 12:22

    Plakat in einem Geschäft:


    Hier einige witzige Plakate: https://dailyfitnesstip.com/signs-that-will-m...

    #209Verfasser CARIOCA (324416)  07 Okt. 22, 00:08
    Putin: I'm not bluffing!

    NATO: We aren't bluffing, to!

    #210Verfasser Stony0815 (607758) 14 Okt. 22, 19:37
    Why does the recipe for Irish bean soup specify only 239 beans?

    Because one more bean would make it too farty.
    #211Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 16 Okt. 22, 17:16

    My version of the same:

    The ideal number of beans for a soup is forty-one.


    Because one more would make it too-farty.

    #212Verfasser mbshu (874725) 16 Okt. 22, 18:30
    #209: Danke, Carioca, für diesen Link! Ich habe so gelacht und viele schöne Schilder weitergegeben!
    #213Verfasser Nirak (264416) 16 Okt. 22, 21:37
    Lawyer joke:
    What do lawyers have in common with sperm?

    One in 3 million has a chance to become a human being.
    #214Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 17 Okt. 22, 22:07

    Wishful thinking of proud parents. "Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."

    #215VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 19 Okt. 22, 12:05

    Said to be a current Polish/Eastern European joke:

    Old Pole finds a magic lamp.

    "What is your wish?", asks the genie.

    "I want a Mongol horde to invade Poland, then retreat."

    "Ooookay...why not. Done! Your second wish?


    "Done! And your final one?"


    "Done! But why did you wish the same thing three times?"

    "So that they would run over Russia six times!"

    #216Verfasser mad (239053)  20 Okt. 22, 17:55

    I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

    I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.

    #217VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 21 Okt. 22, 11:19


    | If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue! |


    #218VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 28 Okt. 22, 09:13



    "Bad neighbors make good fences!"

    -Vlad, the Impaler

    #219Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  28 Okt. 22, 09:22
    The fact that some people can't tell the difference between etymology and entomology bugs me in more ways than I have words for.
    #220Verfasser Doppelnick (1317288) 29 Okt. 22, 20:38

    I find it disturbing that some entomologises are in sects!

    #221Verfasser mbshu (874725)  30 Okt. 22, 08:41

    I told my wife: “There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween..”

    My wife: “Which is?”

    Me: “Exactly.”

    #222VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 02 Nov. 22, 09:05
    A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in near his home. He searches online and finds a local gorilla removal service and calls immediately.
    "Is it a boy or a girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.
    "Boy," says the homeowner.
    The service guy says, "Alright no problem, I can do it. I'll be right there."
    An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He tells the homeowner, "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
    The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
    The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
    #223Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524)  02 Nov. 22, 11:00

    Kann sein, dass wir den schon hatten ...

    A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

    "No no," the penguin replies, "I swear, it's just ice cream."

    #224Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  02 Nov. 22, 11:12

    My friend drowned, so for his funeral we put a life belt on his coffin.

    It’s what he would have wanted. 

    #225VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 02 Nov. 22, 11:25

    Life is like a CAMERA...

    FOCUS on what is important

    CAPTURE the good times

    DEVELOP from the negatives

    And if things don't work out...


    #226Verfasser CARIOCA (324416) 03 Nov. 22, 01:28

    Kein Witz aber ein Limerick, und ich hab keinen aktuellen Faden gefunden wo der hinein passt und wollte keinen neuen starten aber euch auch nicht vorenthalten.

    (12+144+20+3*sqrt(4)) / 7 + (5*11) = 9² + 0

    A dozen, a gross and a score

    plus three times the square root of four

    divided by seven

    plus five times eleven

    is nine squared and not a bit more.

    #227Verfasser heco (236172)  03 Nov. 22, 06:30

    Für Limericks gibt's schon 'nen Faden,

    Da kann sich der Kundige laben

    An Reimen verquer

    Und Pointen noch mehr

    Die aus Ärmeln geschüttelt wir haben:

    Siehe auch: Limericks

    #228Verfasser mbshu (874725) 03 Nov. 22, 09:47

    At the boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered: “Who’s thinking outside the box now?”

    #229VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 03 Nov. 22, 16:07

    Why didn't the lost hikers starve in the desert?

    Because of the sand which is there.

    #230Verfasser Sir Pooh de Bear (687643) 06 Nov. 22, 16:02
    The past, present, and future walked into a bar at the same moment.

    It was tense.

    #231Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 07 Nov. 22, 00:06

    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

    #232VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 07 Nov. 22, 11:25

    Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

    I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls. 

    #233VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 11 Nov. 22, 13:56

    Netzfund: "The 'Dildo of Consequences' often comes unlubed ..."

    #234Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 11 Nov. 22, 13:57

    Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.

    (Von der US-Comedienne Tina Fey)

    #235Verfasser Dr. Dark (658186) 24 Nov. 22, 11:11

    My niece calls me Ankle.

    I call her my Knees.

    #236VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 24 Nov. 22, 15:45

    If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day.

    If you throw a man off a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life ...

    #237Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Nov. 22, 15:54


    Bubo bubo, we have a friend in California who is called "The knees"...

    #238Verfasser virus (343741) 29 Nov. 22, 00:51

    This is one of my favorite jokes, possibly because I have an ex who was a Sozialpädagogin.

    Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: None. Ten get together, form a workgroup, and release a paper called "Coping with Darkness."

    #239Verfasser Solitudinarian (236315) 29 Nov. 22, 07:22

    You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

    #240VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 30 Nov. 22, 08:59

    Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?' No sun.

    #241Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 03 Dez. 22, 14:35

    Three brothers bought a ranch, where they proposed to raise and sell beef cattle.

    They phoned their mother and asked her to suggest a name for their new ranch.

    "Focus", she replied.

    "Why?" they asked.

    "Because that's where the sons raise meat."

    #242Verfasser p2mg (807573) 03 Dez. 22, 16:58

    "I went to the legislature to see government in action, but I couldn't decide whether that was two words or three."

    #243Verfasser p2mg (807573) 03 Dez. 22, 17:03

    A fly feels a bug on its back.

    "Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks.

    "I mite be", giggles the mite.

    "That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly.

    "What do you expect?", replies the mite. "I came up with it on the fly."

    #246Verfasser heco (236172) 08 Dez. 22, 11:43

    Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

    Scrolls were replaced by books.

    Now we scroll through books on tablets. 

    #247VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 12 Dez. 22, 14:26

    If Shakin' Stevens was making bread, he' be Baking Stevens ...

    #248Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 16 Dez. 22, 08:14
    #249Verfasser drkimble (463961) 16 Dez. 22, 08:19



    #250Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 16 Dez. 22, 08:26

    Und wenn er Shake ´n Bake macht? 😉

    #251VerfasserRoach (862331) 16 Dez. 22, 08:27

    OT, re #249

    ... gleich wieder was aus dem Link gelernt, danke, und Entschuldigung für Freitags-OT, nicht-englisch und nicht-Witz: 🙃

    Bei der Marende handelt es sich um die Tiroler Version der Brotzeit. Typischerweise werden dazu Schüttelbrot, Speck, Kaminwurzen, Essiggurken sowie Rotwein gereicht. Der Begriff „Marende“ leitet sich von dem mittellateinischen Begriff merenda für die nachmittägliche Zwischenmahlzeit ab. Die vormittägliche Zwischenmahlzeit wird Neunern oder Halbmittag genannt.

    Aufgrund der sprachlichen Verwandtschaft zwischen Mittellateinisch und den romanischen ostfranzösischen Dialekten ist das Wort moronde oder petite moronde in vogesischer Sprache, also nicht mehr im deutschen Sprachraum, sondern an der Peripherie, belegt und im regionalen Französisch beliebt. Die Hochvogeser, die übrigens viele deutsch-elsässische Wörter entlehnt haben, nehmen eine erste moronde um 10 Uhr vormittags und eine zweite um 16 Uhr. Hier stimmen Marende und Moronde in ihrer Grundbedeutung miteinander überein. Wenn hingegen ein Hochvogeser von einem frichstik (oder frihhstik) redet, meint er kein Frühstück, sondern eine sehr reichhaltige Mahlzeit, egal welche.

    (es geht noch weiter, superinteressant, finde ich 😏...)


    #252Verfasser karla13 (1364913)  16 Dez. 22, 10:08

    The past tense of William Shakespeare ist Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

    #253Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  22 Dez. 22, 07:48

    Three English football clubs with a dirty word in their name?

    Scunthorpe, Arsenal, and Fuckin' Manchester City.

    #254Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917)  29 Dez. 22, 19:06
    Nobody mentioning Christmas cracker jokes yet?
    What kind of key do you need for a Nativity play?

    A don-key.

    How do you know that Santa loves gardening?

    ‘Cause he keeps going on saying “Ho-ho-ho”

    What happened when the comedian submitted 10 puns into a competition, hoping that one would win?

    Sure, no pun in ten did…
    #255Verfasser Wik (237414) 29 Dez. 22, 19:24

    I was trying to figure out why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger.

    Then it hit me.

    #256VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 06 Jan. 23, 12:23

    It's hard being a woman in the postal service... It's such a mail dominated industry

    #257Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 13 Jan. 23, 13:08

    eBay is so useless.

    I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

    #258VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 17 Jan. 23, 16:05

    I just tried the new SatNav by U2. Most useless piece of crap I've ever seen. The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

    #259Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 17 Jan. 23, 16:23

    @259: But it tells you to walk on and teaches you how to dismantle an atomic bomb...

    #260Verfasser Nico (DE) (769488) 17 Jan. 23, 17:13

    “Doctor, my Kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

    “Cats. Cats love fish”

    #261VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 25 Jan. 23, 12:04

    Gerade bemerkt, dass ich diesen hier im deutschen Witze-Faden gepostet habe, dabei gehört er hierher:

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

    'Do you mean a rose?'

    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

    #262Verfasser virus (343741) 08 Feb. 23, 08:58

    When someone asks me if I play an instrument, I answer: "Yes, I play a little guitar".

    All right, the correct technical term would have been ukulele.

    #263VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 08 Feb. 23, 16:42

    Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

    So they throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

    #264Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 08 Feb. 23, 16:44

    Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

    Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

    #265Verfasser p2mg (807573) 13 Feb. 23, 23:23

    I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships..

    I took gold, silver and bronze. 

    #266VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 14 Feb. 23, 09:59

    "Why don't boxers have sex before a fight?"

    "Well, they don't like each other that much ..."

    #267Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Feb. 23, 10:34

    Keine Ahnung, ob ich den schon mal gebracht hab ...

    The outdoor store had a special offer on collapsible shelters in January. It was the winter of their discount tents ...

    #268Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 15 Feb. 23, 10:13

    An antique dealer goes into the home of two spinsters to view a Ming vase and sees a French letter lying on a piano. One old lady explains: 'We found it lying in the grass on the common and it said "Place on organ to avoid infection" and we haven't got an organ, so we put it on the piano - and do you know, we've neither of us had any colds this year!'

    (Erzählt von dem sehr wunderbaren Kenneth Williams, der auch sagte: 'Honest vulgarity is the central tradition of English humour.')

    #269Verfasser Dr. Dark (658186) 17 Feb. 23, 11:52

    Erzählt von dem sehr wunderbaren Kenneth Williams,

    der u.a. auch als Rambling Syd Rumpo heute noch auf youtube zu findende meisterhafte Verse gesungen hat...


    As Rambling Syd says himself: ‘What care I for the city life – all I want is the sky for my coverlet and a bosky turve for my pillow. My only viand’s hedgehog pate washed down with a simple unpretentious paraffin rose.’

    #270Verfasser wienergriessler (925617)  17 Feb. 23, 12:17

    Hey, Old McDonald, sketchy internet connection on your farm, you want stable wifi?

    Put the modem in the barn!

    #271VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 22 Feb. 23, 09:39
    Whoever came up with the spelling of receipt was an idiopt.
    #272Verfasser tigger (236106) 24 Feb. 23, 09:11

    Whoever came up with the pronunciation of receipt was either a pim or a chum or a chim.

    #273Verfasser judex (239096)  24 Feb. 23, 10:12

    I asked my new friend when her birthday was. She said March 1st.

    I got up, marched up and down a little for her sake and asked again.

    #274VerfasserBubo bubo (830116)  01 Mär. 23, 12:55

    And then came the Starwars freak with his constant saying: "May the force.."

    Why does he never finish that sentence and when is he finally going to tell us that his birthday is May 4th?

    And why on earth are the guys from the main office celebrating "The Revenge of the sixth" two days later?

    #275Verfasser drkimble (463961) 01 Mär. 23, 14:26

    Church bulletin:

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    #276Verfasser judex (239096) 03 Mär. 23, 20:21
    A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.
    The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

    The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"
    #277Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 08 Mär. 23, 14:04

    Schild an der Sammelstelle:

    Dead batteries -

    free of charge

    #278Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 15 Mär. 23, 20:13

    Und an einer anderen:

    Assaults not tolerated here

    Batteries only

    #279Verfasser mbshu (874725)  16 Mär. 23, 07:06
    What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

    One less drunk guy at the funeral.
    #280Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 17 Mär. 23, 22:12

    "Darling, can you answer the door?"

    "Depends on what it wants to know."

    #277: A Canadian visits America

    So he/she's an expat on home leave or what?

    #281Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917)  22 Mär. 23, 10:10

    What do you call two birds stuck together?


    #282VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 22 Mär. 23, 13:39
    • Mr. Holmes, would you happen to know why the floating ghostly visage in the middle of the living room is insulting me?
    • Elementary, my dear Watson! That was my stash of cocaine!
    #283Verfasser JaLeTe (1335919) 28 Mär. 23, 17:41

    Aus gegebenem Anlass: Sometimes I wonder what the knights in white sat in ...

    #284Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 30 Mär. 23, 14:33

    A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walks into a hospital to donate blood. The nurse asks them their blood type.

    "No idea", mumbles the rabbit. "I'm probably a type 0".

    #285VerfasserBubo bubo (830116)  04 Apr. 23, 14:14


    #286Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 04 Apr. 23, 15:14

    #284 Sometimes I wonder what the knights in white sat in....

    Just having a sit-in, probably.

    #287Verfasser Möwe [de] (534573) 05 Apr. 23, 08:30

    Some knights lance a lot.

    #288Verfasser mbshu (874725) 05 Apr. 23, 08:54
    Some people think Steve Jobs was a more effective leader than Trump.

    But that's comparing Apples to oranges.
    #289Verfasser Qual der Wal (877524) 05 Apr. 23, 19:19

    Emergency room dress code: Casualty chic.

    #290Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 06 Apr. 23, 10:00

    Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

    He's all right now.

    #291VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 06 Apr. 23, 10:09

    No. 291: Now he has his right arm left.

    #292Verfasser mbshu (874725) 06 Apr. 23, 10:25

    ... Now he has his right arm left, however, he's still looking for second hand shop.

    #293Verfasser judex (239096) 06 Apr. 23, 12:29

    You are mean, all of you. The poor guy's walking in circles now.

    #294Verfasser Udo(de) (58) 06 Apr. 23, 14:14

    I'm sure he'll achieve his life goals single-handedly.

    #295Verfasser Carullus (670120) 06 Apr. 23, 14:39

    What so you call a dog who can do magic?

    A Labrakadabrador

    #296Verfasser Masu (613197) 12 Apr. 23, 16:28

    #291ff: His friends noticed his manner had become decidedly offhand after the car crash. »But he's 'armless enough«, one of them commented.

    #297Verfasser Eukaryot (1125917) 12 Apr. 23, 16:48

    A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing

    into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same

    forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.

    "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"

    apologized the rabbit.

    "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same


    "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do

    you think you could help me find out?"

    "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the

    rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail

    and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"

    "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"

    "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you

    suppose you could try and tell me?"

    The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold

    and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have

    no balls. You must be an attorney!"

    #298Verfasser wienergriessler (925617) 15 Apr. 23, 22:50

    No. A snake cannot be an attorney. No lex!

    #299Verfasser mbshu (874725) 16 Apr. 23, 02:08

    Why are snakes so hard to fool?

    They have no legs to pull.

    #300VerfasserBubo bubo (830116) 25 Apr. 23, 09:02
    Why dies Karl Marx only drink weak herbal brew?

    Because proper tea is theft.
    #301Verfasser B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 29 Apr. 23, 07:52

    Sehr schön!

    Und warum hat Karl Marx sich nur für die Dummheit anderer Leute geschämt?

    Weil - Eigendumm ist Diebstahl!

    The show must go on. And it does, no joke! Right here!

    #302Verfasser mbshu (874725)  29 Apr. 23, 10:31
    Die Diskussion zu diesem Artikel ist geschlossen.
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