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    Jokes 8 (only English, please)


    Jokes 8 (only English, please)


    Wir kommen von hier: related discussion: Jokes 7 (only English, please)

    mbshu, magst du noch verlinken?

    What does almost every Dutch person have?

    Two lips.

    Author JanZ (805098) 20 May 23, 18:36

    There was this man who came home from work early one day and found his wife in bed with another guy. Enraged, he reached for his gun and fired, but the other guy turned out to be armed too. Shots rang out, both men were hit, and the husband collapsed on the other guy’s body.

    The wife called an ambulance, both men were rushed to A&E, but the husband was pronounced dead on a rival.

    #1Author Eukaryot (1125917) 21 May 23, 09:13
    What do you call a psychic midget who broke out of prison?

    A small medium at large.
    #2Author Qual der Wal (877524) 21 May 23, 14:17
    The first rule of the bread baking club is that you talk about it only in an knead the dough basis.
    #3Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 21 May 23, 21:19

    Just saw a real idiot at the gym.

    He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

    #4AuthorBubo bubo (830116) 22 May 23, 15:25

    Isn’t the Grand Canyon gorgeous?

    #5Author Wik (237414) 23 May 23, 15:57

    Are dentures substitooths?

    #6AuthorBubo bubo (830116) 02 Jun 23, 14:14

    Substiteeth, surely?

    #7Author Eukaryot (1125917) 03 Jun 23, 10:01

    What musical genre are national anthems?

    Country music.

    #8Author Wik (237414) 03 Jun 23, 10:20

    What did Spartacus say when a lion devoured his wife? Nothing; after all he was gladiator.

    #9Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 23 Jun 23, 13:13

    It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

    The difference is staggering.

    #10AuthorBubo bubo (830116) 23 Jun 23, 15:59

    Kurze Frage zu #9: Hängt da mehr dahinter als das Wortspiel zu "glad", und entgeht mir da eine Ebene des Witzes? Also z.B. dass das "iator" je nach Akzent ein "later" bildet?

    Oder funktioniert das "nur" auf der gleichen Ebene wie "Even if it's painted white, a Heizkörper is a radiator" (mit "red")?

    #11Authorm.dietz (780138) 26 Jun 23, 11:22

    Verstehe die Frage nicht so richtig - im BE wird, wenn man das "h" weglässt, aus "he was glad he ate her" eben "glad 'e ate 'er" - "gladiator"

    #12Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 26 Jun 23, 11:24

    OK, der Schritt zu "he ate her" kam mir gar nicht erst. Also ja, da ging mir eine Ebene des Witzes verloren. Danke fürs Erläutern.

    #13Authorm.dietz (780138) 26 Jun 23, 12:21

    Which famous person, alive or dead, would you like to meet?

    Jacob Reese-Moog - dead.

    #14Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 28 Jun 23, 17:12

    Vielleicht gibt es sogar einen toten Jacob Reese-Moog, den du treffen kannst. Der Politiker, den du vermutlich meinst, heißt allerdings Jacob Rees-Mogg.

    #15Author JanZ (805098) 28 Jun 23, 17:28

    Cats have nine lives. This makes them ideal for experimentation.

    #16AuthorBubo bubo (830116) 29 Jun 23, 09:36
    A bill collector called me and said "Sir, your bill is outstanding!"

    I replied "Thanks for the praise, man!" and hung up.
    #17Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 30 Jun 23, 06:49

    My friend Henry knows how to breakdance. He has talent, great moves, looks cool! But after 30 seconds at the latest, he wants to go back to his goldfish bowl. 

    #18AuthorBubo bubo (830116)  03 Jul 23, 09:19

    In a military hospital somewhere, there was a military shrink. He grew tired of people not actually talking to him but quoting regulations. So he got an idea to break people out of that rourine.

    Now, every soldier who got to talk to the shrink usually began quoting regulations, but slowed down, then stuttered, then stopped, and then actually talked to the doctor. How did that happen?

    Well, it was still a military hospital. So the doctor was in uniform. But the nameplate on the table said "Dr. sergeant" while the epolets the doctor wore were mismatched: left shoulder had one for corporal and the right one -- for captain!

    #19Author JaLeTe (1335919)  14 Jul 23, 15:06

    The opposite of "isolate" is "yousoearly". I'll find the way out.

    #20Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 14 Jul 23, 17:16

    My wife gave birth today to a wonderful baby girl. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked "How soon do you think we can have sex?"

    He winked at me and said "My shift ends in 10 minutes. Meet me in the car park!"

    #21Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295)  26 Jul 23, 08:39

    What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?



    Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs...

    #22Author wienergriessler (925617) 31 Jul 23, 14:34

    What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

    A literalist takes things literally.

    A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

    #23Author Marianne (BE) (237471) 12 Aug 23, 19:53
    Vladimir Putin passes through customs at an airport.

    Customs Official: Name?
    Putin: Vladimir Putin

    Customs Official: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
    #24Author Qual der Wal (877524)  13 Aug 23, 12:46

    What kind of bees make milk?


    #25Author JanZ (805098) 15 Aug 23, 15:56

    Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?


    I'll see myself out.

    #26Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 18 Aug 23, 14:18
    Die Preisträger des diesjährigen Fringe-Festivals in Edinburgh für den lustigsten Witz:

    3. Platz: Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now (Amos Gill)
    2. Platz: The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise’ (Liz Guterbock)


    1. Platz: I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah. (Lorna Rose Treen)
    #27Author Qual der Wal (877524) 22 Aug 23, 07:34

    Here's the whole list:

    Top 10 jokes

    1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah. Lorna Rose Treen 44%
    2. The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise.’ Liz Guterbock 41%
    3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now. Amos Gill 40%
    4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it’s called a podcast. Sikisa 34%
    5. I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic – just to break the ice. Masai Graham 33%
    6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag. Frank Lavender 32%
    7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He’s Costa-phobic. Roger Swift 29%
    8. I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and I won hands down. Bennett Arron 29%
    9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch. William Stone 28%
    10. My grandma describes herself as being in her ‘twilight years’ which I love because they’re great films. Daniel Foxx 26%

    I think #9 is the best one: because I had to think about it. #2 is also very good, but the rest are in the Christmas cracker "groan" category, which I suppose is the criterion for selection. I don't get #10 at all, though.

    #28Author isabelll (918354)  22 Aug 23, 11:47
    #29Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Aug 23, 11:50

    Thank you, Bubb. I'm from another planet.

    #30Author isabelll (918354) 22 Aug 23, 11:54

    Ich hab's auch weder gelesen noch gesehen, aber meine Frau hat mal angefangen und dann aus Angst vor Gehirnerweichung abgebrochen 😉

    #31Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Aug 23, 12:04


    You got cars?

    Sure. Mercedes, Volkswagen, BMW, and some Chinese no-names.


    You got cars?

    Sure. Haval, Chery, Great Wall, JAC, and some German has-beens...

    #32Author JaLeTe (1335919) 23 Aug 23, 11:43

    I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows too high.

    She looked surprised.

    #33AuthorBubo bubo (830116) 25 Aug 23, 14:40

    A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "Where can I find books about paranoia?"

    The librarian loks over the man's shoulder, leans forward and whispers urgently "They're right behind you!!"


    It ain't paranoia when they're really out to get you!

    #34Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 31 Aug 23, 09:33

    Say you’re hanging out with Rick Astley. You ask him for a copy of the movie Up. However, Rick cannot give you the movie because he’s never gonna give you Up. But by not giving you Up he is letting you down, thus creating the Rick Astley-Paradoxon.

    #35Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 04 Sep 23, 09:29

    I like people the way I like my tea.

    In a bag. Under water.

    #36Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 21 Sep 23, 09:03

    Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist asked me how I wanted to be knocked out: Hit with a paddle or with gas?

    It was an "ether oar" situation.

    #37Author Raudona (255425) 21 Sep 23, 12:19


    #38Author wienergriessler (925617) 21 Sep 23, 13:07

    Earth consists of approximately 75% water, most of which is not carbonated. The conclusive proof that Earth is basically flat.

    #39Author B.L.Z. Bubb (601295) 22 Sep 23, 12:52
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