Just saw a real idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Isn’t the Grand Canyon gorgeous?

Are dentures substitooths?

What musical genre are national anthems?

Country music.

What did Spartacus say when a lion devoured his wife? Nothing; after all he was gladiator.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Kurze Frage zu #9: Hängt da mehr dahinter als das Wortspiel zu "glad", und entgeht mir da eine Ebene des Witzes? Also z.B. dass das "iator" je nach Akzent ein "later" bildet?

Oder funktioniert das "nur" auf der gleichen Ebene wie "Even if it's painted white, a Heizkörper is a radiator" (mit "red")?

Verstehe die Frage nicht so richtig - im BE wird, wenn man das "h" weglässt, aus "he was glad he ate her" eben "glad 'e ate 'er" - "gladiator"

OK, der Schritt zu "he ate her" kam mir gar nicht erst. Also ja, da ging mir eine Ebene des Witzes verloren. Danke fürs Erläutern.

Which famous person, alive or dead, would you like to meet?

Jacob Reese-Moog - dead.

Vielleicht gibt es sogar einen toten Jacob Reese-Moog, den du treffen kannst. Der Politiker, den du vermutlich meinst, heißt allerdings Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Cats have nine lives. This makes them ideal for experimentation.

My friend Henry knows how to breakdance. He has talent, great moves, looks cool! But after 30 seconds at the latest, he wants to go back to his goldfish bowl. 

In a military hospital somewhere, there was a military shrink. He grew tired of people not actually talking to him but quoting regulations. So he got an idea to break people out of that rourine.

Now, every soldier who got to talk to the shrink usually began quoting regulations, but slowed down, then stuttered, then stopped, and then actually talked to the doctor. How did that happen?

Well, it was still a military hospital. So the doctor was in uniform. But the nameplate on the table said "Dr. sergeant" while the epolets the doctor wore were mismatched: left shoulder had one for corporal and the right one -- for captain!

The opposite of "isolate" is "yousoearly". I'll find the way out.

My wife gave birth today to a wonderful baby girl. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked "How soon do you think we can have sex?"

He winked at me and said "My shift ends in 10 minutes. Meet me in the car park!"

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire!

......

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs...

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobees.

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?

58

I'll see myself out.

Zu 10: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight_%E2%80...

Thank you, Bubb. I'm from another planet.

Ich hab's auch weder gelesen noch gesehen, aber meine Frau hat mal angefangen und dann aus Angst vor Gehirnerweichung abgebrochen 😉

2020:

You got cars?

Sure. Mercedes, Volkswagen, BMW, and some Chinese no-names.

2030:

You got cars?

Sure. Haval, Chery, Great Wall, JAC, and some German has-beens...

I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Say you’re hanging out with Rick Astley. You ask him for a copy of the movie Up. However, Rick cannot give you the movie because he’s never gonna give you Up. But by not giving you Up he is letting you down, thus creating the Rick Astley-Paradoxon.

I like people the way I like my tea.

In a bag. Under water.

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist asked me how I wanted to be knocked out: Hit with a paddle or with gas?

It was an "ether oar" situation.

LOL!

Earth consists of approximately 75% water, most of which is not carbonated. The conclusive proof that Earth is basically flat.