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    Translation correct?

    Leis knisternd strömt Feuer etc. - A soft crackling fire ...

    Source Language Term

    Leis knisternd strömt Feuer etc.

    Correct?

    A soft crackling fire ...

    Examples/ definitions with source references

    From Joseph Viktor von Scheffel’s (1826 - 1886) poem "Dörpertanzweise (zu Ehren Heinrichs von Ofterdingen gedichtet)":


    Leis knisternd strömt Feuer um Saiten und Hand

    Der Heini von Steyer ist wieder im Land.

    Comment

    A soft crackling fire 'round strings and the hand

    Heini von Steyer is back in the land.


    Für bessere Vorschläge dankbar!

    Author Ferenczi (237228) 07 Aug 20, 11:20
    Comment

    You can keep the fire uncountable. It leaves you with a syllable, which you can conveniently fill with a verb. It’s not necessary to use “around,” “round” (i.e., without apostrophe) is enough.

     

    "Soft crackling fire flows round strings and the hand"

    "Soft crackling fire plays round strings and the hand"

     

    ---the first is more literal, the second uses a metaphor that alters the sense a little but gives the line a slightly more familiar feel.


    I’m not keen on “soft.” Although sounds can be soft, in the context it doesn’t seem to refer to the sound so much as to some haptic softness. I might be tempted to use “light.” It doesn’t necessarily pick up the sound any better, either, yet it’s a permissible translation of “leis” in one of its senses and to me it conveys more of the G. line’s qualities.

    #1AuthorBion (1092007)  07 Aug 20, 11:46
    Comment

    I like "plays." Thanks, Bion!

    #2AuthorFerenczi (237228) 07 Aug 20, 12:22
    Comment

    #1: and "light" is better then "soft".

    There remains a problem with the rhythm, though, IMO.

    What about:

    Light crackling fire round strings and the hand,

    Heini von Steyer is back in [to?] the land.

    #3AuthorFerenczi (237228) 07 Aug 20, 23:16
    Context/ examples
    Leis knisternd strömt Feuer um Saiten und Hand
    Der Heini von Steyer ist wieder im Land.

    Comment
    'Soft' is 'weich' or 'sanft.'

    'Leise' is 'softly,' 'quietly,' 'lightly.'

    If you're trying to match the meter, I'm not sure that's even possible. But what about something like ...


    The fire softly crackles as strings yield to hand; ...


    #4Authorhm -- us (236141) 08 Aug 20, 08:45
    Comment

    That though sounds like a fire in the grate. The fire in Scheffel’s refrain (if I read his poem correctly--- https://de.wikisource.org/wiki/D%C3%B6rpertan... ) alludes humorously, perhaps deflatingly, to the genius and inspiration of Novalis's Heinrich von Ofterdingen (“ein sagenhafter, historisch nicht belegter Sänger des 13. Jahrhunderts”—Wikipedia). (What made Scheffel in 1904 recur to Novalis's figure I don't know.)**

     

    I wouldn’t have thought it’s worth trying to match the rhythm of the G. hendecasyllabic lines (as Ferenczi transcribes them; in Scheffel’s poem actually four not two lines).

     

    The pentameters in #1 aren’t regularly iambic but:

     

    spondee ǀ iamb ǀ trochee ǀ trochee ǀ iamb

     

    – – ǀ ´– ǀ – ´ ǀ – ´ ǀ ´– 


    Light crackling fire plays round strings and the hand


    The initial spondee and the trochees with their stress on the first syllable of the foot give the line something of the energy of the dance.


    #3 is back in [to?] the land


    No, "in."


    ** Addendum---J. V. von Scheffel (1826--1886) evidently wrote the verses earlier than that (1904); it presumably appears somewhere in his Frau Aventiure: Lieder aus Heinrich von Ofterdingens Zeit (Stuttgart 1863).

    #5AuthorBion (1092007)  08 Aug 20, 11:33
    Comment

    "Der Heini" hat hier eine Doppelbedeutung: "Heini" ist natürlich die Koseform von Heinrich, mit Artikel kann es jedoch auch "der Blödmann" heißen. https://www.duden.de/rechtschreibung/Heini_Du...


    Wie man das in einer Übersetzung rüberbringen kann, weiß ich nicht recht. Vielleicht "Ol' Heini von Steyer"?

    #6AuthorRaudona (255425) 08 Aug 20, 14:56
     
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